Raising children in Costa Rica

Freddy,

I’m sorry for your loss. As a parent, I can’t imagine what you had to go through, except that it must have been indescribably brutal.

Heaven knows you’re not the only grandparents that have had to assume the responsibilities of raising grandchildren, for one reason or another, but your plans to move them with you to live in Costa Rica certainly sounds unique, and in my opinion, wise beyond your expectations.

Costa Rica is a WONDERFUL place for children to grow up.

Here’s why:

It is not a mobile society. Unlike the U.S., almost all the schools and jobs are to be found in only one place – the Central Valley. Furthermore, if it’s hard for Gringos just starting out in the job market in the U.S. to pay for their own place to live, it’s twice as hard for Ticos. Finally, the Tico culture places much less emphasis on individualism and independence than in the U.S., and more on family unity and group cooperation.

These factors combine to insure that extended families generally stay together throughout their lives. In established neighborhoods (as opposed to new developments where neighbors are a bit more transient), it’s not uncommon for aunts & uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. to live on the same block, many times as a result of subdividing larger properties for successive generations. It’s also not at all uncommon for people to live in only two houses in their whole life, the one they were born in, and the one they moved into when they got married.

What does this have to do with raising kids? It means that there is much more respect for elders, that they work together more cooperatively, and that they are more comfortable living with their parents well beyond the teenage years because there’s no expectations for them to move out when they’re 18. Kids help out in family businesses and assist in caring for younger siblings. As they grow older single adults contribute to the household, care for their parents, and use endearing terms like “mommy” (“mami”) and “Daddy” (“papi”) until the day ther die.

Tico houses tend to be small. I’ve seen foyers in the U.S. that are larger than some Tico living rooms. Bedrooms can be tiny as well. Cramped quarters, combined with larger families than in the U.S., also contribute to more respect for other people’s privacy, and greater cordiality. After all, if this weren’t the case, it would be hard to survive.

Better family relations also extend to friends and classmates. There is no such thing as a “clique” in school. New students in the U.S. often have difficulty making friends and “fitting in”, and they are often ostracized, ridiculed and humiliated until they find their niche. Conversely, a new student in a Costa Rican school has 100 new friends the first day. Tico students generally have a much greater thirst for learning than then their spoiled, materialistic, and self-centered Gringo counterparts. Ask any teacher who has worked in both the U.S. and in Latin America and they’ll tell you that the difference in their students’ behavior is profoundly better south of the border.

All Ticos, both children and adults, kiss each other on the cheek in greeting (except male-to-male). It’s more of an air kiss really, with just cheeks touching, and not even that if you dislike the person or don’t really know them that well. Since this starts at such an early age, it seems to me that it helps children develop an immediate and intimate respect for each other.

While I used to get into physical fights with other kids when I was a young (the only one I won was the last one, of course), I have never seen two Tico kids go at it. It just doesn’t happen.

Respect for others, cordiality and good manners, and group awareness among children in Costa Rica is easy to notice, even if you never visit a school or Tico household. All it takes is a bus ride to see children behaving like saints to realize that there’s something different in the way kids are brought up. There just aren’t the same pressures there that they would face in the U.S. – peer pressure, double dog dare pressure, grow up and get a job pressure, be number one pressure, try this drug pressure, etc.

To sum it all up, kids in the U.S. are in a hurry to grow up, while kids in Costa Rica are comfortable in their extended childhoods, many times lasting until the day they get married (or longer).

While rugged individualism, insatiable aspirations, runaway materialism, and “if you don’t win you’re a loser” attitudes contribute greatly to a highly productive Gringo society, there’s something to be said about the slower pace of life, the more cohesive family unit, and the different meaning of the term “success” in Tiquicia.

I have no doubt that your decision to bring them up in that kind of culture will turn out to be much better than you ever imagined.

The negatives? There are few that can’t be mitigated.

Public schools have few materials and large class sizes. You’ll want to take advantage of the many private schools available there to insure that your kids will spend most of their time learning, rather than spending hours copying down what the teacher writes on the blackboard because there are no hand-outs.

Tico families with any means would find it shameful for their teenage or college age children to get menial jobs, such as mopping floors and such. Gringos tend to think any job is better than no job at all, even if you’re studying to be a doctor or lawyer. This attitude, however, can be countered in the home if you wish.

Then there are the other negatives of living in Costa Rica which are not specific to children. For that you can read the many other posts on this forum.

I have two children, and my wife is Costa Rican. I met her when I was an English teacher in San Jose in the early 80’s, and after we married we moved to the U.S. When our first born was 6 months old, we moved back to Costa Rica, and stayed there for a decade. Our second child was born there.

Why did we move back to the U.S.? In a word, MONEY. It’s a tough place to make a living, and the professional and business opportunities in the U.S. are overwhelmingly greater. This fact brings me to the one negative aspect you just can’t get around. As Gringo children living in Costa Rica grow older, the doors which lead to these opportunities begin to close.

In the final analysis, while I anguish over my belief that Costa Rica is a much better place for my kids to grow up, there are far fewer opportunities for them to thrive there as adults. As GringoTicos themselves, it will be much easier for them to move back to Costa Rica to work and live, if they so choose, while the reverse would not have been the case if we had remained there.

Since your grandchildren are still young, this won’t be a factor for a while. However, down the road, it’s something to consider.

Please review the many helpful comments in this forum and take heed of the sage advice offered about living in Costa Rica to insure that you avoid the various pitfalls awaiting you. As for your grandchildren – don’t give it a second thought. For them, there are no pitfalls.

Oh yeah, from a more selfish perspective, Tico children take much better care of their aging parents than their Gringo counterparts. There are few senior citizen homes in Costa Rica, unlike in the U.S., and the coming growth in assisted living facilities in CR will depend upon aging Gringo Boomers for their profits. Tico senior citizens, on the other hand, are generally cared for in their homes by their extended family, who never left the homestead.

Might the move be a painful adjustment for your kids? Certainly! Until their Spanish gets up to speed, they’ll definitely feel like outsiders, no matter how cheerfully they’re greeted. Will it be worth it? You betcha, many times over!

from what i´ve observed from watching the children in my neighborhood and on the bus and in public places, as well as observing the children of my friends here in costa rica, i can honestly say that most of them are respectful, well behaved, polite, and thoughtful. they are also not medicated for a bunch of phoney mood disorders such as ADD, bi-polar, oppositional defiance disorder, etc, which for me is the biggest plus about raising children in costa rica. children are still children here but as jerry pointed out, ther are other cultural differences, primarily the way children relate to their parents and their grandparents. the other day i saw a woman who had to be about 90, strolling down the street with her 13 or 14 year old grandson, who had her by the arm and was walking at her pace while they chatted animatedly. when would you ever se that in the States? the americans i know who came her with children about the age of your grandchildren are all happy they made the move.