“I Wanted To Scream, But Instead I Moved To Costa Rica.”

Millions of years ago, humans survived on paranoid instinct. They tiptoed around their huts and caves, carrying big sticks or bones. They relied on instant fear, instant anger, and fast feet to stay alive.

Millions of years of growth and development have passed, but was I any different?

Many times I felt like screaming and running around with a big stick. I had lived in the same place for 35 years and accepted everything “as is” as if my life was a discount car deal. But did I only want survival at bargain prices?

I began to question my existence. What was my destiny? What did I want to accomplish during my short stay on this planet?

I was tired of being tired. I owned several businesses and spent most of my time patching together a few minutes of free time between work. I was too jaded to write.

The stress of keeping my ship from sinking was making me sick. My dream of living abroad some day, of learning a new language and a new culture, got lost between the bills and doctor visits.

I had vacationed several times in Costa Rica. I mused of living with monkeys and flowers and blue skies all year round. I never wanted to buy another pair of boots or mittens or scrape ice off my windshield or plug in my car so it would start.

Through the long grey winters, thoughts of the pure life in Costa Rica, pura vida, hung in the back closet of my mind.

Helen Keller said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”So, I leaped. I made the emotional decision to blaze a new trail in my life, and almost immediately, the doors opened and opportunities arose.

In less than one year, I sold everything and made the move. I moved to a Spanish speaking country in Central America (a country smaller than West Virginia), and I barely spoke a word of the language.

Before I left, my friend and I planned a weekend together – one final hurrah. She had blinked and stared blankly when I told her I was moving to Costa Rica. “Isn’t that near Puerto Rico?”she asked.

Anticipating questions, I pulled out a map and guidebook from my bag. “We are here,”I said pointing at the Midwest of the United States. I moved my finger down the map and traced a path south and across the border. “Mexico, Honduras, Guatemala, there’s Costa Rica, “I said stopping my finger on a small yellow country hidden under a crease in the map.

My friend pulled her hair back and leaned over the map to look at the tiny country. We backed up our bags and began driving.

I have been searching for myself for a long time. If there was a class on it or a path to it – I have taken it. I have degrees. I studied Buddhism and Taoism and feminism. I was a catholic and an agnostic and a scientist. I played music, listened to music, exercised and meditated. I spoke to my inner child and argued with my parent.

I hiked up mountains and sat in healing waters of hot springs. I went through men and ice cream and let people eat me alive. I was a vegetarian and ate raw fish and rare meat. I had my chart done, as charted, saw the arts and danced in smoke bars. I chanted, hummed, inhaled, exhaled, let go, loosened up, steered straight, flipped over and bellied up. I wondered if moving was the right thing to do.

Most of the emotional programming is cemented in the first few years of life my therapist had told me. I was firmly moulded by the age of three (before I could even tie my shoes). I wanted to cry. Sure, now I could tie my shoes, but I still struggled with the same feelings of acceptance – of finding my place in the world. I decided to console myself with chocolate at the next stop.

While standing in line with my bottled water and chocolate at the gas station, I read the headlines in the paper. A drive by shooting killed another child. The headlines began to read the same – drive by shootings, road rage, crosses burnt in front yards, children chopped up and burned, men killed women, women poisoned children, body piercing, tattoos, manicured lawns, fast food, security systems, artwork that matched the sofa, face lifts, three cars, two cell phones and a beeper, movies, the media û why are so many lives filled with turmoil, desperation and anxiety?

Why worry about what if? Why hate and bicker? How do I live in today? Was Costa Rica any different?

Back on the road, the August afternoon was hot. I gripped the steering wheel and wanted to scream. Was I just running away from myself only to find myself still missing when I got there?

I stuck my hand out the window to dry my sweaty palm. I started to sing, “You put your left hand in and you put your left hand out. “My friend covered her ears. “You put your left hand in and you shake it all about. “I wiggled my fingers in her face. “You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around û that’s what it’s all about. I stuck my right arm in, my chin in, my head out and every other part of my body I could without driving off the road. My friend started to sing along, but I hadn’t noticed when.

She waved her fingers and shook her legs. I stuck my tongue in and out; so did she, and we laughed. A cool wind blew into the car, and I rolled up the window. The heat had broken.

We sat in a blanket that night, watching the stars. I would miss my friend. I would miss my family. I wondered what stars I could see in Costa Rica.

I unwrapped the king size chocolate bar I bought at the gas station. The wrapper was white with a list of ingredients written in French, English, and Spanish. I broke off a chunk, hoping to save the rest for later. The wrapper wouldn’t stay shut, so I held it down with a stick.

My foot fell asleep, and I moved my leg and shook it a little. It felt like needles were poking my skin. My friend shook her leg, and she began to sing, “Do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around and that’s what it’s all about. “I nodded, grabbing my stick and peeled back the Spanish words on the chocolate wrapper and took a big bite.

Written by Susan Lutz who is a film maker and writer living in Costa Rica. Her documentary film, The Coffee Dance available for sale an Amazon.com, follows a group of women in the depths of poverty as they strive for empowerment. She teaches film and lectures in Costa Rica. She’s produced radio documentaries and is currently finishing her first travel book on Costa Rica. She writes an internationally recognized blog on life in Costa Rica, Motherjungle.com and is the editor of the Organic Living Page on Allthingshealing.com

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Andrew Makarik is the main editor of WeLoveCostaRica, a fan of this sunny country. He is also a loving husband and a has a lovely daughter. By being a devoted family man and the biggest Costa Rica fan, he wants to make more people feel at home there. WeLoveCostaRica unites people and helps them find new home or a new travel destination. This website is a friendly community where everyone can find not only information, but also new friends and travel pals. Andrew is also passionate about IT and programming, so he himself maintains a friendly atmosphere in this cozy environment of WeLoveCostaRica.com.