The Emergency Exit Row Stalker. Part I
It is 5:59 am and 50 seconds as I open my Internet Explorer the day before my 6 am flight back to Florida.
- 10.. 9.. Copa Air.com
- 8.. 7.. Web Check-In
- 6.. 5.. Reservation Number
- 4.. 3.. 2.. Seat Assignment
- 1.. GOT IT!!!!
Emergency Exit Row / Seat EIGHTEEN CHARLIE (18C). The Stalker is back!
There is a famous saying, “Traveling the world makes you modest. It forces you to realize how tiny and insignificant you really are.” As you experience different cities, states, countries and cultures, you learn to “go with the flow “because it is just that; different. Costa Rica teaches you a lot about patience, because as you have heard from me before, nothing happens very fast here. I always find it humorous when tourists go out to breakfast and order something strange or special. “I want my eggs poached, bacon extra crispy, and my toast lightly buttered.
Can I get De-Caf coffee with skim milk? Do you have hash browns or just the home fries? How about Orange Juice with no pulp? Ha ha ha. Boy are they in for a wake up call. I always tell them; WHATEVER shows up on your plate just shut up and eat it. It’s desayuno man!!! Most likely they will end up with scrambled eggs, a slice of sandwich ham meat, tortillas, coffee strong enough to fuel a drag racer, beans and rice, French fries and whatever fresh fruit they squeezed that day. Enjoy it baby!!! That’s LIVING.
You want to really test your patience? See what happens when you get stuck behind a funeral procession. You see in the USA, you have 50 cars, all with their headlights on and a private police motorcade to block the traffic as you wiz across town. Not in paradise. They load the coffin on the backs of 6 strong, buff men, and everyone walks behind it from the town to the cemetery. They actually take up the entire street, both lanes, so no traffic can pass in either direction.
Cars are backed up for half a kilometer, crawling along at 2 mph, all hoping there is a ditch coming up where they can 4×4 around the cadaver, and get on with their day, without kicking any rocks up into the face of the deceased ‘s family. The street peddlers are having a heyday, selling Pipas and coconut water, bags of fruit and nuts, knock off CDs and DVDs to everyone stuck in line, because it takes about 45 minutes to get to the grave. I mean, I am really sorry Grandpa bit the dust, but come on already, I gotta get to work!!!! Can you just take up only HALF the road?????
It is one of the only countries in the world, where people drive like a bat out of hell to get where they are going, only to never be in a hurry once they get there. Patience is a virtue in Costa Rica, whether you like it or not, you have no choice. So relax, get used to it, you will actually learn to enjoy it.
I try to fly back to the USA 4 or 5 times a year, mostly for sports, but also to remind myself how fortunate I am to live in paradise. Latin America is the way we used to be many years ago. People generally show a lot of class: they are friendly to each other, open doors for ladies, spend time with their families, go to church on Sundays, always dress as nice as they can and tend to have amazing work ethics. They don’t buy things they can’t afford by maxing out their credit cards, and don’t look to the government for handouts or entitlements.
The USA will never be the same as it used to be, because we have lost our pride, our work ethics, our class and we will never recover. You especially notice this when you fly on an airplane from Costa Rica back to a big city like Miami. The Americans are dressed like they are going to the annual 420 pot smoking festival in Denver, while all the Costa Ricans look like they are showing up for the biggest job interview of their life.
I was always taught that when you get on to an airplane, you look professional. You wear a nice collared shirt, pressed pants and take the time to shower and shave before you check in. Unfortunately, most Americans didn’t get that memo. There are back packers and surfers who arrive at the gate, wearing the same stinky clothes they have been sleeping in for the past 15 days. You would think they could have found a hostel for the very last night so they could have at least taken a shower.
Most of the College kids are in footed pajamas, and they still have Bed Head from the night before, they didn’t even find time to comb their hair. They usually have a dirty blanket in their hand, along with those U shaped neck pillows and a 15 year old Teddy Bear and they move in a trance as if getting up at 5 am was such a serious chore.
One of the last times I flew, I saw a person that literally blew my mind. It was this young woman, probably in her early 20s, and she looked like she should be on tour with KISS. She had on these massive steel boots that went up to her knees, about 15 facial piercings, some of them were mini spears, a metal belt buckle and more “armor” for jewelry than most knights wore hanging out at the round table.
I am not exaggerating; it took her 15 minutes to undress just to get through the metal detector. Even most of the back packers still had on their hiking boots. Can you imagine, sitting on an airplane for half a day wearing 5 lb. Timberland boots let alone Gene Simmons Demon Boots? No thanks, sounds terrible, I’ll stick to my flip flops thank you very much. This is the future of your great nation, people. Wake up.
The other main reason I try to fly every couple months, is so I can keep my Elite Status with United Airlines. As a Gold Member I get many privileges, from extra luggage, to a private lounge where I can check my emails during my layovers. But the best part is that I get to board first, and every so often I get bumped up to Business Class on any of the affiliated airlines. I gotta tell ya, if you have never flown in the front cabin, it is awesome, and it spoils you for the rest of your life. Now, if I don’t get upgraded, I feel like such a loser, being forced to sit in the back with the rest of the working stiffs LOL. But at least as a premiere member, I get to sit in the Emergency Exit Row, which has a tremendous amount more leg room than your average seats.
To get these prized locations, you have to get on line the second the Web check-in opens, which is exactly 24 hours before your flight. Remember, every other Premiere Member is doing the same thing; there are upwards of 50 of these people on each flight, but only 12 of these valued commodities exist. It takes a real Emergency Exit Row Stalker to grab one, trust me. Plus, there are no children allowed in this row and you must be physically fit in case of an emergency, so I am safe from the screaming little pukes that terrorize so many flights and the man that needs two seat belt extensions, and his hips end up half way in your lap. Ahhhhh. I can relax.
Copa Airlines is my favorite company to fly with for a multitude of reasons. They are Latin American based and have the same customer service that we used to see in American businesses back in the 1970’s. All the planes are brand new, with huge leather seats and TVs on the back of every head rest. Everyone is served a meal, even in coach, and all the alcohol is FREE.
The flight attendants, both male and female, are smoking hot, right out of a 1960 Pan Am advertisement; the way it should be, and the pilots and navigators are all young, professional and friendly. Everyone is allowed to check two bags, even on the basic fare, and the entire team of ticket checkers and baggage handlers are positive and motivated. Wow, what a concept huh? You NEED to fly on this airline and you will WANT to do it over and over again.
Just recently I was on a flight back to San Jose, with a boarding pass for my favorite seat. As I arrived at 18C, this stunning flight attendant was standing in my row, like an angel guarding my spot. After a brief awkward moment, she moved on to the back and allowed me to take my designated location.
I tried flirting with her, but she had seen and heard it all, and politely told me to have a nice flight. Heh, can’t beat a man up for trying. Since I was one of the first ones on the plane, I had plenty of time to take out my trip necessities; Non Fiction book, reading glasses, beef jerky, computer, and tons of room to store my carry on in the empty stowage container above.
As I sat there for the next 20 minutes during the boarding routine, I was reminded again, why I love being a Premiere Member. You see all these people, barely moving along like they are stuck behind a Costa Rican funeral, one step; stop; one step; stop. They have that zombie look on their faces, knowing that there isn’t even the slightest chance that there is any room left in the overhead bins, and they will be forced to shove their prized fake Louis Vuitton travel bag under the aisle in front of them. Welcome to hell, and I had a front row seat.
As I sat back and enjoyed the people watching fiasco, it was a piece of cake to pick out the USA travelers from the Latin Americans, strictly by analyzing their outfits. The tree huggers were in full force that day, as the cabin started to fill up with that moldy carpet smell known as B.O. and you could easily spot the baby boomers on their way to their first vacation in Costa Rica.
What is it with tourists, who feel like they need to dress like they are on an African Safari when they visit our little country? It’s not like they are going to be camping in the jungle, they probably have a reservation at the Papagayo Hilton, yet they have on every piece of outdoor wear that Cabela makes.
They have the breathable Columbia shirt; their North Face fishing pants with 8 different pockets; Merrell water shoes: Luminox Navy Seal watch; Lumbar waste pack, with two canteen water bottles; and their Magellan Bora Bora hat with a big bandana covering their neck and Oakley camo sunglasses hanging from their chest. In one hand, they are holding every possible book you can buy on Costa Rica, from bird watching to reptiles, Lonely Planet and a waterproof travel map and in the other hand they even have their own homemade snacks of trail mix and raisins.
They had completely lathered their entire body in Coconut flavored sun tan lotion and you could literally taste it as they walked past. They went to all this trouble, FOR THE PLANE RIDE DOWN!!!! This stuff kills me every time. If you were traveling to Pura Vida land, and didn’t even know your gate number, all you had to do was walk around for a while in the terminal and look for the geeks dressed like they are trying out for a part in the next Allan Quartermain movie.
I called the hottie back over, her name was Ileana, and I asked her how long I had to wait to get a cocktail because I needed a drink after this Gong Show. All the Costa Ricans were of course dressed to the T because they always look their best. Even when they go to the grocery store they put on a fashion show, there are none of those Wal-Mart photos circulating here, that’s for sure.
Why? It’s called PRIDE. Costa Ricans are very proud people, and they would never consider being seen in a public place without checking the mirror first. You see people going to work in the morning, and their shirts are perfectly pressed, not a wrinkle in sight, even if they come from very simple means. My maid shows up to clean my house, I am not kidding you, looking the best she possibly can.
As our grandmothers used to say, “You can be poor but you don’t have to be dirty.” That is what I admire most about this incredible culture. They have their priorities set straight; family, God, and country pride, and they very rarely ever stray. If there is a wedding, birthday or a funeral, they will get on a bus at 4 am, travel half way across this nation for 7 hours and be back the next day for work. I love this country.
After the plane took off, I enjoyed a nice meal, a few chapters from the new book I was reading and had a couple Vodka Tonics. About half way home, I found myself a little sleepy and decided to take a little snooze. I have always loved naps, so I put my seat back, closed my eyes and found myself thinking of the petite flight attendant.
Maybe if I write her a little note, I thought, and slipped it into her apron, she might give me a call and who knows where it could lead…
Read Part II of The Emergency Exit Row Stalker here.
[custom_script adID=97]
The Emergency Exit Row Stalker. Part I
Article/Property ID Number 4742
[custom_script adID=195]
Andrew Makarik
to@welovecostarica.comAndrew Makarik is the main editor of WeLoveCostaRica, a fan of this sunny country. He is also a loving husband and a has a lovely daughter. By being a devoted family man and the biggest Costa Rica fan, he wants to make more people feel at home there. WeLoveCostaRica unites people and helps them find new home or a new travel destination. This website is a friendly community where everyone can find not only information, but also new friends and travel pals. Andrew is also passionate about IT and programming, so he himself maintains a friendly atmosphere in this cozy environment of WeLoveCostaRica.com.
Are you into beautiful Costa Rica?
All interesting things you want to know about Costa Rica are right here in our newsletter! Enter your email and press "subscribe" button.
