No relationship is permanent. As much as we’d love to remain in the “in love” phase, all relationships must and will move on.

Rather than being finished things, where we “get one” and we’re done, relationships are dynamic  on going, constantly evolving processes-more like life itself than static entities, like stones. Would we really want our most important relationship to be a lifeless as some rock while life constantly moves on?

Loving, intimate relationships go through some predictable phases. Which can be called the Rapture, the Rupture,  hopefully the Repair and Renewal, or sadly the Resignation and Rejection.  (Others would use different aspects and names for the phases.)

Intimate relationships typically begin with a burst of passion and affection. During this Rapture period, during this magical moment, we are filled with optimism and love. Nothing and no one is as important as our beloved. We feel fully alive, filled with energy and excitement because “the one”, our “soul mate” has entered our life. Indeed, life has never been better, but we expect that our future will be even greater together. We live for and would die for our loved one. Their needs are more important than ours. We are thrilled to get to know our beloved better. And we fully expect them to more than live up to our expectations, to our fantasies.

A good sign in the evolving relationship occurs when we move past lust to the beginnings of real love.

Many will never feel this good ever again. So it’s understandable that we mourn this period’s passing and wonder why it doesn’t last

Such feelings cannot last, as much as we want them to. In every relationship there’s an inevitable Rupture. As the “air is let out of our beautiful balloon”, the rapture subsides and the love may even die.

Where Did Our Love Go?

Many explanations have been offered for the fading of love. It’s been said that “love is blind but relationships are real eye openers.” As we spend more time together, three things tend to happen and all involve seeing the relationship differently.

First, every new relationship has a thrilling, fresh, unfamiliar and exciting quality. Getting to know and become closer to our partner fills us with joy. But nothing can remain new forever. Every experience, no matter how wonderful, gradually gets “old”.

And with that aging, our positive feelings decline. Our natural, adaptive tendency to become accustomed, to “get used to” everything occurs. We tend to take the positive for granted so we can focus on the pressing issues of life. So the value of the positives in life tends to diminish. “Been there, done that.”

Secondly, the infatuation we feel, our idealization of each other cannot withstand the scrutiny of daily life. Our story-book romance is impossible to sustain in the face of our partner’s and our own reality. No one could possibly measure up to the impossible ideal we have created. Just ask Prince Charles and Princess Diana! Even couples with the resources to easily manage the demands of life become disappointed with each other and life together. Its easy to see how much more difficult maintaining the ideal is when we have to also struggle to pay the rent.

And thirdly, the enormous expenditure of energy it takes to maintain the rapture wears us out. And the neglected aspects of life demand attention. “Who cares about work, school, responsibilities? We’re in love!” Things may feel “perfect”, but our daily life suffers. And daily life is an unforgiving task master.  

These explanations might account for the waning of love. But how could something so good be transformed into something so bad: constant quarreling, criticism, indifference, contempt, or loathing?

Might We Need More?

With time, we may also discover that we have chosen badly. That our partner is deeply incompatible with our values, habits, and life goals-and we with theirs. But even if we’ve “hit the jackpot” and chosen very, very well, we may see that our love needs more. We may come to realize that what seemed so natural, so easy, so effortless at the beginning, now requires work. And not just effort, but also skills-regardless of how well we’ve chosen.

We may see that the Beatles were wrong. We absolutely need love. And life is at it’s best when we love and are loved.

We may also painfully see that the relationship needs more than love. Yes, love created and maintained the initial relationship. But we also need a good relationship to maintain the love.
Bottom line, the way we relate to each other, the way we routinely treat each other will determine the life of the love.

The “Love Doctor”, John Gottman, shows us what our patterns of relating do to our love. He tells us what qualities such love-protecting and love destroying relationships involve. After studying thousands of couples over many years, he has identified the kind of relationship that makes love grow and the kind that makes love die. In his research, he carefully observes and records a couple’s pattern of verbal interactions during disagreements-a big danger to love. He also measures their physical stress responses during these encounters.

These detailed studies have enabled Gottman to identify two basic types of relationships: the “Marriage Masters” and the “Marriage Disasters”. Admittedly an oversimplification, these two categories have much to teach us. Both involve different patterns of interactions and different experiences for the partners. These two types of relating are essentially different ways of treating our partner and indicate different chances for the future of the love.

Gottman’s “Masters” typically treat each other with “kindness and generosity”. They are truly caring and considerate of each other. Even though they are far from perfect,  they are calm and at ease and enjoy each other’s presence. These relationships tend to both survive and grow deeper and stronger.

The “Disasters”, by comparison, are on edge around each other. They feel a high degree of stress (detected by Gottman’s instruments) even if that’s not evident in their demeanor. This stress is easily explained by the way the couple treats each other. Their history of attacking and being attacked by each other (usually verbally), leaves them “on guard” in each other’s presence. And such verbal (and sometime physical) assaults damages and eventually destroys their love.

Both the “Masters” and the “Disasters” begin life together feeling intense love for each other. But the “Master’s” relationship pattern protects and deepens their love. While the “Disaster’s” pattern of treating each other abusively, damages and may destroy their love. Both types endure the rupture. But they handle it differently.

Yes! We DO Need Love. And….

We most definitely need love. And when we love and are loved, we’ve hit the emotional “jackpot” of life. But Gottman’s research shows us why love is not “all we need” to make a relationship thrive. We need to routinely treat each other the way we would any other important person in our life-with care and consideration

The Gottman Method of Couple’s Therapy teaches workshop participants the specific behaviors and attitudes that we must routinely include and avoid for the health of our love. Essentially he teaches participant to avoid being like the “Disasters” and try to be more like the “Masters.”

It’s easy to see how the “Disasters” treatment pattern is toxic to love. Their negativity toward each other is so pervasive that the love is overwhelmed. And the love is usually not enough to offset all the hostility and abuse.

No one enters an intimate relationship intending to abuse their partner. We all wish to live up to our highest ideals and treat our beloved the way they deserve. But Gottman’s research shows how a downward spiral of negativity can begin and get worse.

Wanting, needing something from our partner, we grow increasingly frustrated when we feel disregarded or ignored. Afterall, WE are giving them our best! In our frustration and disappointment, request becomes a criticism which is responded to with defensiveness by our partner, and both are  gradually followed by contempt and stonewalling.

The love and the relationship suffer as a result. And at each step down that slippery slope, we can feel perfectly justified in our increasingly negative responses to each other. Unaware of the damage we are doing to the relationship and our love.

AND when the negative interactions outnumber the positive, the love is suffocated.

An example may better make this point. One spouse (let’s say the wife) asks the other to record any ATM withdrawals in the check book….to avoid bounced checks. A certainly reasonable desire.

But (let’s say) the husband doesn’t regard this as an important matter and it quickly slips his mind. (These roles could easily be reversed.)

After repeated requests are unmet,   the wife becomes frustrated and escalates from requests to criticism: an attack on their partner’s competence. “You always neglect this simple task. You never bother to make the entries. You can’t even help me keep the checkbook balanced.” Notice the always and never generalizations? Does anyone always or never do anything?

With no room for exceptions in such statements, the husband feels written off, attacked and becomes defensive. And the typical way we humans defend ourselves is to go on the offensive, the counterattack: “I NEVER do anything right for you!! You’re the one ALWAYS criticizing me. You’re the problem here.”

After then defending herself and achieving no progress in recording the ATM withdrawals, the wife feels so frustrated and defeated that she begins to treat her husband with contempt. A more direct attack on the husband’s character, contempt involves feelings of disgust and loathing, and moral superiority by the wife for her husband.  She is now essentially saying “You’re such a loser, such a worthless nothing, I feel only disgust for you. You’re beneath me”.

Again feeling attacked and perhaps trying to turn down the tension, the husband stonewalls  his wife.. In totally ignoring anything the wife says or does, the husband silently conveys his own very negative message: “You no longer exist. You’re such an awful person that  I am deaf to your concerns. If you totally disappeared, you would not be missed.”

In this example we can see how a simple disagreement can do serious damage to the relationship and to the love. Now multiply a single disagreement many, many times over….and it’s clear how love is lost.

And when such interactions become pervasive, the relationship also violates Gottman’s main rule: this relationship does not maintain a five positive to one negative interaction ratio. Gottman regards this ratio as absolutely vital to the life of the relationship and the love. Whatever good that does occur between this couple is drowned, poisoned in a flood of negativity. (More on this important idea next time.)

Furthermore, the “Disasters” now look for things to criticize in each other. While the “Masters” look for actions and traits to praise in their spouse.

As powerful and essential as love is, can it withstand such a toxic pattern of interaction?  Even though it is powerful and essential, love needs an assist from a relationship focused on “kindness and generosity”. Not on distrust, mistreatment, and abuse. We need more than love to remain in love.

The “Disasters” show us what we must avoid if we want to keep our love alive. Next time we explore what the “Masters” can teach us about the kind of relationship that helps love endure the rupture and move on to Repair and Renewal to thrive.

Any disagreements about these ideas? Send them to
I promise to receive them without defensiveness.

Written by Tony Johnson is a retired university mental health center psychologist. He has lived, learned and enlarged his happiness in the Costa Ballena for over three years. He has the curiosity of a coati about all things life! These articles are his best shot at answering those “Life Questions”. Hopefully, you will find them informative and useful.

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Andrew Makarik

to@welovecostarica.com

Andrew Makarik is the main editor of WeLoveCostaRica, a fan of this sunny country. He is also a loving husband and a has a lovely daughter. By being a devoted family man and the biggest Costa Rica fan, he wants to make more people feel at home there. WeLoveCostaRica unites people and helps them find new home or a new travel destination. This website is a friendly community where everyone can find not only information, but also new friends and travel pals. Andrew is also passionate about IT and programming, so he himself maintains a friendly atmosphere in this cozy environment of WeLoveCostaRica.com.