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Bad enough to make some changes in how you approach conflict with your partner?

No! I’m not crazy, but I believe I understand why you might think I am. It is your PARTNER who is doing things that upset you; things which makes it hard for you to get along and feel loving toward them.

You have tried numerous ways to improve the relationship and solve its problems, but now you are feeling hopeless. Feeling you’ve done ALL you can to make things better. You believe that it’s time for your PARTNER to make some changes.

So, if all that is true, how could I possibly ask you to make even more effort? How could I suggest that YOU need to do some things differently?

I am not saying that you haven’t done your best or that I know what’s best for your unique situation. What I am suggesting is to try something much different than the way many try to create necessary relationship change. A new way to bring about the changes you need from your partner.

It involves changing the way YOU go about trying to produce change in them. This may very well be a totally new philosophy of relationship-change for you. Please give it a listen. Your partner is likely to need to make the same change to more effectively get what they need from you.

So this is no “you’re the bad guy” and your partner is the “good guy” approach. It’s more like there are no “bad guys”, only 2 people who need to try something different.

In the last few articles, we’ve looked at researcher John Gottman’s “Marriage Master’s” and “Marriage Disasters”. And we’ve looked at those ideas in a rather theoretical way. Today we get practical. Today we’ll see how the “Masters” and “Disasters” actually live and experience their relationship beliefs.

Imagine This

Imagine that your partner needed you to make some changes in how you relate to them, how you treat them, and/or make some changes in your life habits. What would be the most effective way to approach you about making those changes? Think about it; it’s not an easy question to answer is it?

Of course, we’d want them to approach us respectfully. Acknowledge our good intentions in the area they want you to change. So the first thing they need to do is to ASK us; not demand that we do something differently. Then we want them to tell us why it’s so important to them, and do so using a polite, friendly tone of voice. That approach would be very likely to get our cooperation, I believe.

For example, what if your partner came to you and said: “Honey, I know this seems like no big deal to you. And in the big picture, it probably is insignificant. But, to me, it’s very important. You already show you love me in so many ways, large and small, I hesitate to ask for one more thing, but could you remember to put the top back on the tooth paste.

It’d make the bath seem much neater AND keep germs out of the tube. I’d feel much more comfortable and would really appreciate it if you could do that for me, please.”

How would that feel? I bet you’d feel willing to give their requested change a try.

WHY? It’s all in how you see and treat your partner. The “Masters” look for the best in their partner. They’re not deluded fools, blind to their partner’s shortcomings. They CHOOSE to focus on the good side of their mate. While the “Disasters” often see NO good in their mate-only bad. And that choice makes all the difference in how we feel when our partner needs us to change.

I think the essence of this approach is easier to see if we look at its opposite.

How have we all (me included) typically tried to make changes in our partner? (Notice the words “make” and “in”.) We might have begun with polite requests but quickly escalated to shouting and orders and commands when the changes don’t immediately occur. “Hey, what’s wrong with you? Are you deaf? What I asked for is real simple. Can’t you even do this small thing??”

Or, we might expect our partner to just read our mind and know what changes we need. Our attitude is that IF they love us, they should know what we need; we shouldn’t have to ask them. Right?

But, when our partner doesn’t figure out our innermost thoughts we smolder silently, thinking about how dumb they must be to not know what we want. And, once again, we explode because they are “so uncaring, so inconsiderate, so selfish.”

So, how well do these approaches work? Let’s get real “Dr. Phil” here – they don’t, work, do they? Why not?

Having been put down, degraded, shouted down, feeling criticized, belittled, and attacked, our partner is unlikely to feel lovingly eager to meet our needs. Instead, they become defensive (it’s a natural reaction to insults) and they go on the counter-attack.

Even if they don’t say it out loud, they have ways of telling us what a jerk we are and what a huge mistake it was to become involved with a loser like us. Inside they are saying, “I’ll be damned if I give you what you want when you have been so evil to me.” They dig in their heels and vow to never make the changes we need.

Now things even worse than before. On top of the original problem we needed resolved, we now also have a nuclear winter settling in over our relationship. Nothing can live in the frigid, toxic climate following an ugly argument – certainly not loving, caring feelings. Or cooperation with our needs.

“You’re OK” versus “You’re Damaged Goods”

The difference between some soft, kind, respectful request for some change and the attacking, trashing of their ego, commanding change approach is a basic message which is critical. In the soft request the bottom line is, “even though I’d like you to DO some things differently, YOU are OK. YOU do not need to change WHO you are.”

In the abusive demand, the message is, “You are NOT OK. There’s something very wrong with you. The problem is not in how I approached you, it’s WHO you are. It’s YOU who are the problem here. YOU are lacking, defective, broken. That’s why you don’t give me what I need.”

Would you be willing to comply with the needs of your partner if the approach implied-or stated-that you were broken, lacking, not good enough? So, is it possible that in your “driven up a wall” frustration, you have been conveying, even inadvertently, that there’s something wrong with your partner? Can you see how hurtful that would be to them — and counterproductive that is to you?

Yes, repeated, prolonged, indications of your needs met by indifference and a refusal to comply ARE extremely frustrating and annoying. We feel hurt. We feel unheard. We feel that we and our needs don’t matter to our partner. We feel blown off.

And that makes us angry, impatient, and unable to see our partner’s good side. So we feel we have no other option beside “turning up the heat.” And, ‘yes’, sometimes anger does get our partner’s attention and they finally take us seriously, but many more times the anger simply makes things worse.

Larger Than Caps on Toothpaste

It may seem that being considerate of the impact we have on our partner’s sense of self, on their self-esteem, could make a big difference when the issues are small. But about the big, important problems? And can’t we take this concern too far?

If we focus too much on avoiding injury to their self-esteem, will it create an egomaniacal monster? Maybe this attitude works with small issues like toothpaste, but when larger issues are at stake, don’t we HAVE to just “get real”? Don’t we just have to “let ’em have it”?

Actually, if the new approach, the new attitude toward each other, becomes your relationship S.O.P., it can help prevent big issues from getting out of hand because they are dealt with before both sides lose their cool. The attitude of approaching each other with respect for one’s sense of self makes it easier to deal with the big things when they do come up.

Why? Because both sides feel they will be treated with respect and consideration – NOT put down, NOT attacked, NOT regarded as defective.

When that threat is removed from the discussions of difficult issues, those discussions become more productive and more effective because people aren’t playing “defense”. Nor do they go on the “offense”.

In that open, non-threatening kind of environment the focus is on solutions that work for both sides. There’s no need to “win” to prove ourselves OK and to prove our partner wrong. There’s no need to puff-up one’s ego to offset some sense of hurt.

Not only can this approach avoid relationship “nuclear winters”, it’s probably the only way to restore sunshine and good feelings to a deeply damaged connection.

A Take-Home to Make a Warm, Loving Home

We don’t want our partner to see us as defective, deficient, and in need of repair. Nor do they. When we need some change FROM them, we must make it crystal clear that THEY are OK; it is only some things that they DO, only some behavior that is the problem. NOT WHO they are.

Whatever “training” we have received in conflict resolution (and for most of us that’s very little), it usually focused on resolving the ISSUES. We are usually taught: 1) Identify the problem, 2) generate multiple solutions, and 3) select the best solution.

The “emotional climate” essential in reaching a solution is usually neglected and the absence of any recognition of the VITAL importance of how we TREAT each other during this process is overlooked and left out.

If these ideas are new to you, you’re not alone.

But, in one sense they’re not new at all. They’re the way you promised to treat each other at the beginning of your relationship. What’s new is that they don’t just feel good-they DO good for the relationship. They’re ESSENTIAL–not “optional extras”.

Bottom line, there’s NOTHING wrong with you if you hadn’t heard about this approach before. We don’t know what we don’t know or need to know. Hopefully these ideas will be helpful in deepening and strengthening your relationship. AND, if your partner was reading this article, I’d be making the exact same suggestions because BOTH partners usually need to make this attitude/approach change.

I can hear your objections already.

Next time: Bringing CR sunshine to Siberia and addressing your doubts about this approach.

ANY reactions to these ideas are very welcome Here:

Written by Tony Johnson is a retired university mental health center psychologist. He has lived, learned and enlarged his happiness in the Costa Ballena for over three years. He has the curiosity of a coati about all things life! These articles are his best shot at answering those “Life Questions”. Hopefully, you will find them informative and useful.

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Andrew Makarik

to@welovecostarica.com

Andrew Makarik is the main editor of WeLoveCostaRica, a fan of this sunny country. He is also a loving husband and a has a lovely daughter. By being a devoted family man and the biggest Costa Rica fan, he wants to make more people feel at home there. WeLoveCostaRica unites people and helps them find new home or a new travel destination. This website is a friendly community where everyone can find not only information, but also new friends and travel pals. Andrew is also passionate about IT and programming, so he himself maintains a friendly atmosphere in this cozy environment of WeLoveCostaRica.com.