‘No’ is just ‘yes’ to a different question

Although I was not personally present to confirm this, I understand through trusted source that Jason Alexander, George Costanza on the TV show Seinfeld, was recently involved in a failed television effort of his own playing a motivational speaker in the comedy ‘Bob Patterson’.

Evidently the phrase, “No is just yes to a different question,” was plastered on buses, and other public spaces around New York City, Los Angeles and other metropolitan areas as an advertisement for the show.

Other than the fact that I find this quip funny, I also believe it offers some real insight for those of us living and working in Costa Rica and other cultures where communication is more indirect.

On many occasions, I have been engaged in conversation with a Costa Rican friend or acquaintance when a very basic conversational miscue occurs. I ask a question and my friend responds by saying ‘yes’. I assume that the ‘yes’ I received meant an affirmative response, i.e. ‘Yes, I’ll be there’, ‘Yes, I’ll do it’, or ‘Yes, you can dress like that in public without people laughing at you.’

However, my experience in Costa Rica and other Latin American countries has taught me a different meaning of the word ‘yes’ that I was not aware of.

‘Yes’, can be merely an acknowledgement of the fact that I am talking, that the listener has heard me, or a reflection of what I want to hear.

‘Yes’, does not necessarily mean an affirmative, positive response.

The person may not show up, may not do what you thought they would do and you may be dressed ridiculously and shouldn’t be allowed to go out in public.

Costa Rican playwright Melvin Mendez from the book, The Ticos, expands on this point. He writes of his fellow Costa Ricans, “We beat around the bush to avoid saying ‘No’, a syllable which seems almost rude to us. And rather than hurt someone, we say one thing and do another.”

I had an experience recently that illustrates this point. I was supposed to meet a friend at a party and when I called him after arriving at the party he assured me that, ‘yes’, he’d be right over. When I called again, an hour later, he said, ‘yes’, he was almost ready and was just leaving the house. He never showed up.

The truth was that he was waiting for a phone call from a girl that he wanted to go out with, but didn’t want to tell me that he was choosing her over me, so in order to not hurt my feelings he just told me what I wanted to hear.

This was not the first time I had experienced such difficulties in basic communication, and experience has taught me to take such seeming snubs in stride, remembering that no disrespect or injury was intended. My friend was doing the culturally acceptable, correct and polite thing by expressing to me that he wanted to be at the party with me and that he liked me.

He was answering a different question than the one I was asking. I was literally asking, “Are you coming to the party?” But he was answering a question much more like, “Would you like to come to the party with me if you could?”

As you can see there a good deal of latitude for serious mis-communication and hurt feelings if foreigners are not flexible in their communication styles.

So, how in the world can a person adjust to such conversational conundrums? Understanding the basic differences between the communication styles of indirect culture direct cultures can be helpful. A person from a culture with a direct communication style values “putting all the cards on the table” and “cutting to the chase.”

Direct communicators do not place as much emphasis on context or on body language to get their points across. For direct communicators, if it is not verbally stated, it is not communicated.

In contrast, indirect communicators place heavy emphasis on context and often consider stating what appears to be obvious as insulting. It is assumed that an intelligent person will read the context and body language in communication, whereas direct communicators assume that if something is important then it will be stated clearly, with no room for misinterpretation.

Perhaps you are left feeling a little overwhelmed at the prospect of having to reinterpret what people are saying to you with the added complexity of communicating in a foreign language. The good news is that one gets better at interpreting indirect speech patterns as well as adjusting expectations appropriately.

In the example above, I knew after the second phone call that my friend was not going to be coming. Or at least I knew there was a strong possibility he wouldn’t be there. Something in his tone of voice tipped me off.

Of course, the ability to read those subtleties took years to develop, so one must have patience during the learning process.Also, prior experiences with him and with other friends opened up the possibility that when he said ‘yes’, he would be coming to the party, he was actually answering a different question.

As we go through the process of adapting to a new way of living and communicating while living in Costa Rica, we should be open to learning from every interchange, even if it is a difficult one or you are tempted to see the interaction as a failure.Remember that we can learn something from anywhere, even ad slogans from failed Seinfeld spin-offs.

What well-adapted Costa Rican residents know adapting their communication style.

Give people an option. Sometimes one doesn’t know if people are really sincere until another option is given.

In the case of my friend coming to the party, if I had said, in a very indirect way, “Would it be easier for us to do something tomorrow night?” He would probably have opted out immediately and confirmed that tonight might not be the best night for him to come to a party.

Ask in another way, using qualified speech. You might try to say something like, “Is it difficult for you to come tonight?” One of the favorite Costa Rican ways of expressing this is ‘complicado’ (complicated). People often say that tonight has become complicated for them. This means that whatever commitment they had with you, they cannot fulfill.

Ask a third party. Sometimes asking a friend of a friend or someone else who is familiar with the situation is the only way to get accurate information.

Ask a Costa Rican. Costa Ricans can interpret other Costa Ricans much better than we can. If you are involved in a negotiation of some sort, it is an excellent idea to bring a Costa Rican along to interpret the real meaning of what is being said. Even having excellent Spanish is no guarantee that you will capture the meaning of the cultural subtext.

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Written by Eric Liljenstolpe M.A. Ed., is the founder and president of the GlobalSolutions Group, an organization dedicated to creating understanding between people of diverse cultures and backgrounds.

Eric helps people understand the difference between cultures and has helped thousands of people who are thinking about moving to Costa Rica…

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Andrew Makarik

to@welovecostarica.com

Andrew Makarik is the main editor of WeLoveCostaRica, a fan of this sunny country. He is also a loving husband and a has a lovely daughter. By being a devoted family man and the biggest Costa Rica fan, he wants to make more people feel at home there. WeLoveCostaRica unites people and helps them find new home or a new travel destination. This website is a friendly community where everyone can find not only information, but also new friends and travel pals. Andrew is also passionate about IT and programming, so he himself maintains a friendly atmosphere in this cozy environment of WeLoveCostaRica.com.