Admittedly, I’m not the fastest monkey in the trees.

After all, I thought paradise would be, well… paradise! When I proudly told people that I’m retiring in Costa Rica, they said: “Where?” with a sound in their voices that said “Is he crazy?”

So when I thought with the right help that I could rather smoothly get residency in Costa Rica, I was again being wildly optimistic. Sure, I heard those horror stories, the people who waited 5 years, and then had all their documents lost by the “system”. But they went about it the wrong way, right?? I would avoid their setbacks by enlisting the help of a “good lawyer”. Yet, some wondered “Are you crazy?”

The first indication that things wouldn’t go smoothly came when I turned in the official documents that I was told to collect, only to discover that they weren’t “official enough”. I needed, for example, an “original birth certificate.” But the one issued on my date of birth was too original. The “system” needed a more recent “original.”

Then that new original along with the other 3 documents all required higher official seals than the ones supplied by the government agencies that issued them. The U.S. government and the Costa Rica Embassy in D.C. also had to declare these official documents “official”.

Once all 4 documents were officiated by the U.S. and Costa Rica, and actually tied up in a package with a ribbon and wax seal, I no longer had to take those mandatory “vacations” in Panama. No more getting my visa renewed every 90 days and spending all that money in the country just south of the border.

See! Residency made sense! Just “being in process” gave me an immediate benefit. I had been told that actual residence could take anywhere between “months and 2 and ½ years”. Mine took about 50 weeks UNTIL the “system” required more documents before granting the final residency card. What’s a Catch Vientidos called in Spanish?

My lawyer told me that to get final residency, I had to also get a social security card. “OK!”, I asked, “So how do I do that?” My lawyer replied, “You need residency”. “I need residency to GET residency?”, I asked. “Yes!”, the lawyer said matter-of-factly.

We went around this circle until someone told me to ask her for my “residency RESOLUTION”-the document that granted me resident pensioner status. I needed that document to qualify for C.R.’s SS, to qualify for the final residency “caja”.

I later figured out that the lawyer was saying, in effect, “you need the residency DOCUMENT to get the social security card to get the final residency card.” But that was very lost in translation for a while: in her English and in my taking her literally-not knowing what to ask her to break the deadlock.

Another few weeks were spent straightening out my payments. I had paid part of my total bill to 3 different departments of the agency helping me. Essentially the right hand didn’t know I had paid the right hand.

Finally, I was ready to get my social security card at the local national hospital/social security office. But I had lost my optimism about the “system” and hired a local problem solver to accompany me.

Not wanting to waste our time, she called ahead to check on the process. Why create your own misery when the “system” is a virtuoso at doing it for you?? She was told that they never heard of the pre-payment certificate I got from the San Jose agency. Oops! That agency assured me if there was any problem to just call them. So with much trepidation, and bringing every document that I could think of, off we went to the Cortes hospital.

No one was waiting AND the girl at the window was VERY friendly! Certainly a bad sign. Because nothing, as I have painfully learned, goes easily here. This MUST BE a trick! She wasn’t at all concerned about the pre-payment certificate. It was OK with her.

But we spent about 10 minutes establishing my “address” in this country without addresses. My helper and Helen, the clerk, determined that I lived about 3 kilometers from the new church, across the nearby bridge, up the hill to the Northwest, etc, etc.. So far, so good!

THEN the “system” struck! Like a Central American Zeus, the “system” threw down a lightening bolt. “Since your visas are not up to date,” Helen said sweetly, “you’re illegal and do not qualify for SS.” So here I was, spending a LOT of time and money to become legal, only to be told I was “illegal”. I had to laugh! The dilemma was too deliciously ironic to not marvel at the “system’s'” genius in throwing me curve balls.

“BUT! BUT!” I sputtered and my helper translated, “my lawyer said I do not need to update visas because my residency is in ‘process'”.

“Doesn’t matter,” replied Helen still sweetly and with a BIG smile, “there’s no stamp in your passport that shows that!”

“Here! Look at this paper from my lawyer,” Tom said swiftly.

“It MUST be stamped IN the passport” said Helen still as sweet and smiling as ever.

“DAMN! (actually worse)”, I thought secretly. In effect Helen was saying “you can ONLY have a visa-free passport if you’re a resident. So you can’t get the SS card that you need to become a resident unless you already are a resident.” Where have I heard that before?

See what I mean about the “system”?

Just as Charlie Brown is about to kick the winning field goal, Lucy, Helen in this case, pulls the football out from in front of you. Arggggh!

It’ll get you every time! Even when your working with a genuinely sweet person like Helen. Her smiles were not the “gotcha sucka” type seen in DMV offices across the U. S. of A. She really wanted to help. She really wanted me to reach my goal, but the rules are the rules.

I’ve deeply realized that it does no good to get upset. You just get upset AND fail to get what you’re requesting. So I laughed! I never expected the “system” to throw me this curve ball – I thought that was my lawyer’s job!

“Genius”, I thought, “sheer genius”. “You can’t become a resident unless you already ARE a resident. Why didn’t open borders U.S.A. think of that one? We’re supposed to be so smart! But DON’T get me started on the wonders of US immigration policy.

So we called the San Jose lawyer. “She’s in a meeting. She’ll get back to you,” her receptionist said, not so sweetly. And when she did call back, the phone went dead! Revealing the smooth interface between ICE (the telephone company) and Costa Rica immigration! Brilliant coordination by the system-all designed to make dumb gringos tear their hair out.

BUT! BUT! We had an ace in the hole! Helen!

Sweet, wonderful, helpful Helen tries yet again. Back into the Holy of Holies behind the front counter to ask yet another supervisor if my lawyer’s paper will suffice in lieu of a passport stamp. She replaces the “football” back in the field goal kicking position…

AND! AND! THIS TIME she says “Esta bien!!”

Helen holds. Charlie Brown kicks and scores. “You CAN have the SS card”, Helen says with a genuinely happy for me smile. I wanted to kiss the ground she walked on.

But notice the evil GENIUS of the “system”. JUST when I had a great story about how totally crazy-making the “system’ is, WHAT does the system do? It gives me what I asked for AND then deprives me of fabulous griping rights! SEE what I mean? The “system” is absolutely brilliant!

So sweet, wonderful Helen, writes things first in pencil THEN enters them into the computer. Finally typing up a 1950’s style paper, library-type social security card for me on an 1980’s typewriter.

And feeling that a simple “muchas gracias” would not express the depth of my appreciation and relief, I turn my chair around and kneel on it. And in my best “I am not worthy” fashion say “MUCHAS, MUCHAS gracias, senorita”. Bowing, I show the “system” that this dumb gringo still had most of his hair.

What can SMART gringos learn from this dumb one??

1. It CAN be done!! Think…. “if HE can do it…”
2. Get good help-those people who waited years thought they could do it on their own. Even this dumb gringo never thought that for one second.
3. Keep asking “Are you SURE this is all I need? Are you SURE there are no other steps?? No surprises??” Such as official documents needing to be officiated by some higher authority! There are agencies back in the first world that can obtain the additional authentications for you, saving you trips to state departments and the CR embassy. It cost $600 USD.
4. In a Catch 22 ask “am I hearing you correctly? It SOUNDS like you’re saying…is THAT what you mean?” don’t assume that you are hearing the person correctly. “Does what I’m asking for (the “residency” to get the residency) have some OTHER name (like a “resolution”)??”
5. Don’t expect things to go like a well-oiled machine NOR like a total nightmare. Everyone seems to agree CR wants gringo money, and they don’t get it without delivering some “product.”
6. And, finally, pray for a sweet, wonderful Helen at your counter!! That will turn the tide in your favor every time!

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Written by Tony Johnson is a retired university mental health center psychologist. He has lived, learned and increased his happiness in the Costa Ballena for over three years. He has the curiosity of a coati about all things life! These articles are his best shot at answering those “Life Questions”. Hopefully, you will find them informative and useful.

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