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Dear Suemcgowan,
I felt I had to respond to your post out of some sense of being cast as a person who would add to someone’s guilt or would be less than compassionate. And maybe out of some silly and insecure thought I needed to defend myself.
As a little background information, I happen to be a moderator of a cancer support group whose primary mission is to support patients and their families suffering from a rare and aggressive form of skin cancer. We know the value of support systems and the providing of information. We deal with death on a regular basis. I’ve also had the privilege of going to the National Institutes of Health in Maryland to state our case at a Cancer workshop. I also help care for my 91 year old father in-law, changing his diapers and such. All done willingly and voluntarily.
So, now that I have stated my credentials, I can tell you this story is heartbreaking, and its ripples will be felt for some time and possibly by many people. This woman had serious problems and chose to leave the US and try to either escape a bad situation, or thought she could start a new life in Costa Rica, or both. Without knowing all the intimate details of her situation and the relationship with the man whose house she was living in, or if she did have any family or friends to support her, I could not say with certainty whether or not she could have been helped. I know that suicide hotlines are here in the US for intervention and support. Apparently they feel they do some good. No one should have guilt because the signs of distress may not have been there or noticed, but there may have been some warning that something was not right with her and maybe someone close to her may have been able to pick up on it.
Mental issues are extremely difficult to deal with and none of us could ever put ourselves in another’s place. With compassion and genuine concern for our fellow human being we may be able to ease a person’s pain. We can’t save the entire world, for sure, but we can choose to try to take time out of our busy lives to be there if someone needs us.
I can see you are a very caring and decent person and know you feel terrible about this tragedy. And also, I’m sure you have seen your share of life’s miseries. We do what we can.
Best regards,
AlfredI’m with all those who have thanked Maravilla for her sensitive article on this sad event, and with the plea not to ‘shoot the messenger’. Like a rolling stone, the story has gathered moss, and some unfortunate and self-righteous judgments. Doubly sad.
To conclude the lady had depression and go on to debate what action could / should have been taken and how if people are counseled about not running away from their problems, somehow suicides might be prevented. The British expression ‘motherhood and apple pie’ comes to mind – cosy things so easily said, but life’s not quite as easy as that.
Having worked in mental health, I can cite two facts. Attempted suicides are usually a cry for help, but people who really want to commit suicide will do so, by whatever means. An accessible gun served the purpose for Nancy. Yes she may have had a clinical depression, but she may also have had a neurosis or other disorder, or no definable mental illness at all. Perhaps hard to believe, but some people do make lucid decision that the problems in their life exceed their coping strategies or their desire to continue living; they can’t see a way out, the way out is too hard, or they’ve just fought too many battles before and can’t take any more.
My sympathies go to those who have been directly affected by this tragedy; people who now need help in different ways to deal with their personal feelings and sorrow – and perhaps even anger, for that is often generated by suicide. I hope they are lucky enough to have good friends and family to lend this support, or are able to access professional services if they need them. Sadly, its too late for Nancy; life failed her somewhere along the line. May she now be spared our judgments and may her soul rest in peace.
Sheelagh
I’d like to thank everyone who contributed to this discussion … No, it’s not easy to know what another person feels, or to talk about such difficult subjects, but by relating and expressing our experiences and points of view, we gain understanding and how to reach out to each other. Thank you all.
I have read all the posts for this tragic event as well as the article and have some comments I wish to share. I will not be naming any individuals in my post but do have some comments directed towards a few of them as well.
I have worked in the prison system for ten years and have seen several suicides. When an individual states they wish to hurt themselves in any fashion, we strip them down, issue them a tear proof blanket, take all their belongings from them, and put them in a cell by themselves with a 24 hour camera monitored by one officer and another officer must perform 15 minute physical checks until the individual is evaluated by a mental health professional. Guess what??? After all that, if an individual “truly” wants to end their life, they will! There is nothing you can do or say that will change that. In my experience, it is not the individuals who threaten suicide that actually go through with it. Most just want the attention. It’s the individuals who silently give all their belongings away, want to call home frequently, and plan everything well in advance. The average joe who “does” have the loving family and friends.
The mental health professionals I have spoken with over the years have explained to me, that typically, an individual that decides to take their life due to an “event” or a single overwhelming stressor, do so in the place that the event occured. Prision, being a life altering event, obviously is one of those places. I also knew a fellow officer who hung himself in his home because he found out his wife was cheating on him. Another friend of mine in my personal life shot himself outside work, due to his inability to cope with the stress of the government agency he worked for forcing him to make illegal deals. However, I believe in this woman’s case she lost everything “but” her family, had numerous stressors in life, and just wanted to go to a place that was peaceful to plan and carry out her act. A place where no one really knew her and the people there would be unjudgemental of her decision. Sure she pulled people into it, it’s difficult to just disappear. Some call her act “selfish”. Do you have the right to judge this woman, her choices, and her family’s level of support? I don’t think so! How do you think the family would feel if they read your comments? Some posts are judging the guy who took her in, and are trying to blame him and “the gun” for her act! Remember a few lines back about people taking their life over a single overwhleming stressor! Maybe you should be a good neighbor and go see what you can do for him instead of blaming him or trying to figure out his motives. The article calls him “toast” and says, “his life as he knew it evaporated!” I don’t see how that got printed. Does the author have a law degree from Costa Rica? Sure he might have made some bad decisions, but you aren’t the prosecutor, judge, or the jury, so why speculate? Is there a prize for the most colorful article? Maybe those comments should have been saved for opinion posts.
This is an unfortunate event that occurs all too often. It affects family, friends, and in this case, even short term acquaintances. I pray for all the people involved and affected by this loss.
I don’t think the article was sensitive at all. Not only that, but it is full of speculation. Furthermore, for Eclecta to say Nancy was his Tica Wife is way out of line. Just for your info, the gentleman will not be deported or go to jail. His life is not “toast” or ruined, or anything else. You might wonder, how do I know that? Well, I made it up just like Trisha did!
Oooh… Sharon! Nasty, nasty! Now I wonder, why would you feel compelled to write such tripe? I happen to know that Trisha didn’t make anything up… why would you???
Oh well, takes all kinds, lol.
I wish you a wonderful day and many blessings.
EclectaOwning an illegal gun that was used by someone to kill themselves will certainly make his life very uncomfortable and yes! He could actually be facing jail time…
The following information is not “speculation” it is the law of Costa Rica
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Artículo 88.- Tenencia y portación ilegal de armas permitidas(*)
Se le impondrá pena de uno a tres meses de prestación de trabajo de utilidad pública, en favor de establecimientos de bien público o utilidad comunitaria, bajo control de sus autoridades, a quien tenga en su poder armas permitidas por la presente ley que no se encuentren inscritas en el Departamento.
Se le impondrá pena de prisión de seis meses a tres años, a quien porte armas permitidas por esta ley y no cuente con el respectivo permiso.
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According to Attorney Roger Petersen – who wrote The Legal Guide To Costa Rica – and Attorney Jose Rafael Fernandez, under Costa Rican law, the owner of this illegal gun could be facing a sentence of six months up to three years in jail!
That would be at the discretion of the prosecutor.
Scott Oliver – Founder
WeLoveCostaRica.comIf a firearm problem occurs, the law loosely translates as follows:
Article 88. – Possession and transportation of illegal unallowed firearms
Person are subject to one to three months of prison or work release on public projects or community service, under control of the authorities which has the power to do so if said arms are enrolled in the Department (holds permit). If that person carries arms not allowed by this law or does not have a permit, sentence would be prison for six months to three years.
That’s pretty unambiguous. El hombre tiene una problema muy grande!
as with any controversial topic, (suicide certainly being in that category), there will always be people who want to shoot the messenger. my intent in writing this was not to malign anyone, make light of, or in any way dismiss the seriousness of what this woman may have been experiencing prior to committing suicide. how could we know that??? nobody REALLY knew her. i want to thank those who found some value in what i wrote. for those who think i seized an opportunity to sensationalize this event, i am sorry you feel that way. i have received privately some of the most beautifully written emails from people who have lived through a similar experience of losing someone they knew or loved to suicide. it is those people whose opinions i respect, because i, too, have lost loved ones to suicide, as recently as a year and a half ago. so i have some personal experience in what happens in the aftermath of such an event. it would be great for the gunowner if nothing happens to him, but i would find it incredulous if that were to happen, but who knows, we are in the frontera and anything can (and often does) happen here. at the prompting of someone i know, i asked that scott remove this thread and the article, but he believes that it will help someone, even if itis only one person, so both will stay put. thanks and peace.
Maravilla:
I am glad you are leaving it in place for now. This just shows what I always thought that suicide takes on a life of its own. It almost becomes bigger than the person was in life. People are drawn to it more than any other method of death. I have talked about my own story in this string – not meaning to sound that my pain was bigger than my husband’s. He was self-destructive in life and that is tragic. What he did created more tragedy and I am working through this. I was a Psychiatric nurse at one time and knew this day was coming. There is nothing anyone can do to stop someone who is determined to end their life. A good friend said to me after my husband’s suicide: “Sometimes life is not meant for the living.” Probably meaning that not all souls have the ability to handle what this world throws us. None the less – you see the writings and know what this has brought up for people. Writing is never a bad thing. Thank you….Karen
THIS THREAD IS NOW CLOSED
If you – nole7777- work in law enforcement in Costa Rica please do let us know exactly who exactly you are, your position within the Costa Rica police force and which police force you represent because I really don’t think that any “law enforcement” (your words) officer in the USA has much to do with this event in Costa Rica just as a Costa Rican police officer would have little input should a Costa Rican citizen kill himself in the USA using the illegal gun of someone else.
Like you and all the other VIP Members, Trisha is entitled to her own opinions and feelings whether you like them or not … And check all you wish about slander and defamation in Costa Rica – I have checked it quite thoroughly myself – and please let me know how the slander laws come into play with regards to this “old gringo” since he has never even one been mentioned by name.
Meanwhile, I would ask you to remember that most of us think that Trisha has done a GREAT service in writing this article – the number of private emails I have received about this article have been OVERWHELMINGLY positive.
Scott Oliver – Founder
WeLoveCostaRica.comThank you, Scott for reminding all that Trisha has done a great service in writing a truly sensitive article about a difficult subject. Reading over the posts of the past few days has often astounded me. There have been some who seemed to enjoy jumping in to “shoot messengers” and “blame victims”! But I have appreciated those who really got it. Those who dug deeper and helped us engage in a many pointed discussion about a deeply disturbing tragedy – a suicide and its aftershocks in pura vida land. Yes this suicide of someone I did not know really affected me. And as a result I am reaching out more to my new friends here in San Isidro de El General. I’ve asked several if I can call them if I need to – and the results have been most supportive and endearing. Thank you to all who ‘got it’.
Sharon Rochester, I am not your friend, never having met you and frankly after this, having no desire to do so – and if I’m out of the loop by not knowing why you would make up such inanities, then I’m glad to be out of “that” loop! Enough said on this side-track.
May your days be blessed with all that you richly deserve, and may you live in interesting times, 🙂
Ecleta
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