No one desires an intimate relationship with a person we loath. We all seek a deep and affectionate connection with someone we can love and cherish, with our soulmate, with “the one.” Sadly some relationships do degenerate into hostility and hatred, into contempt and loathing.

How does that happen? How do couples go from “you make me so happy” to “you make me sick”?

Masters or Disasters?

Last time we asked if love alone was enough to make a relationship survive and thrive. While renowned relationship researcher John Gottman does not directly answer that question, his recommendations for relationship success indicate that we need more than love. He tells us which skills we need to develop, which interaction patterns we need to increase and which we need to eliminate to keep our love alive.

Gottman provides us with clear and specific “dos” and “don’ts” which will enable us to protect and deepen a lasting connection. He divides couples (straight or gay, young or old) into two broad groups: the “Marriage Masters” and the “Marriage Disasters”. The “Masters”, as you may recall from the previous article, routinely treat each other with kindness and generosity. They engage in numerous positive interactions daily.

As a result, they are comfortable together and enjoy each other’s company. The “Disasters” have a long history of negative exchanges,of attacking and being attacked by each other. They treat each other like an enemy and so they are constantly on edge around each other.

The “Disasters” ruin their marriage by routinely engaging in what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen” (the 4 H), four extremely negative, hurtful behaviors that “charge in” and trample the relationship: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt. So the climate of their marriage is filled with hurt, anger, resentment, hostility, and bitterness.

The “Masters”, on the other hand, create a very positive climate, largely free of the 4 H. While by no means perfect, their relationship is filled with much caring, affection, trust, support, and love. So it’s easy to see why they’re at ease with each other.

Losing Control

We also explored how the 4 H negative spiral typically begins. For example, when one partner repeatedly ignores the needs, feelings, and requests of the other, trouble starts. Frustrated, hurt, feeling neglected and ignored, requests become criticisms. And criticism is typically met with defensiveness….which means a counterattack. Trust and respect disappear. And when an impasse occurs, the negativity increases becoming stonewalling and contempt-the most damaging of the 4 H.

Feeling repeatedly frustrated, blown off by our life partner can leave a person deeply wounded-like we’re worthless, don’t matter at all to our partner. We can start to feel we made a very bad choice in partners and feel very, very foolish.

It takes a saint to put up with such treatment and not respond in kind. Few are saints-including the “Masters”. And even “Masters” can miss some red flags warning of the coming 4 H .

There are many situations which can turn the 4 H loose in a relationship.

In addition to disappointments and frustrations leading to the 4 H, other common situations that can release the 4 Horsemen are:

• Unrealistic Expectations
• Feeling Like a Victim
• Confusing Impact and Intent

Unrealistic Expectations:

The world has changed dramatically within our own lifetimes. Astounding technology, only fantasized about in science fiction, is now commonplace. Massive social changes have severely disrupted family connections-making us more and more dependent on our partner for just about everything. Core needs such as safety, security, bonding, and significance may no longer be met by extended family. So we may, unknowingly, expect our partner to “be all that we need”. Who could possibly live up to all those expectations?

We may overlook how unrealistic that is and that we never had an explicit agreement with our partner to meet all our needs. Such needs can easily become demands and criticism because we are feeling let down, deceived, screwed, furious. Such powerful emotions are extremely difficult to control…..and it feels so good to let our partner “have it”. Unleashing the 4 Horsemen.

Feeling Like a Victim:

When we’re not treated the way we expect, the way we need, our reactions can go deeper than feeling hurt, cheated, angry. The psychology of victimhood leaves us insisting on “justice” from our partner. As a victim we feel completely innocent, entirely blameless of any of the problems between us and totally entitled to punish the one who has so egregiously hurt us.We might think “NO WAY I’ll put up with this. That will just invite more abuse. I MUST teach them a lesson.”

And that lesson is probably delivered as a harsh, crushing criticism. Hear the thundering 4 H?

Confusing Impact and Intent:

We often feel hurt by our partner’s words, actions, tones of voice, and attitudes. And the heart of those injuries is a sense that they were deliberate.

Sometime those injuries ARE deliberate. Sometime our partner does want to hurt us. But sometime we feel hurt even when there was NO intent to harm.

Take this common example: Our partner is late for an important meeting with us. In fact, our partner is often late. And it drives us up the wall. “You don’t care about me at all”, we shout. “I don’t matter enough to you to even be on time ONCE???”

We feel such hurt because we PERCEIVE the lateness as SAYING something negative about US!.Something negative about our value and our significance to our partner.

If we BELIEVE our partner sees us a negatively as we think, even when they don’t, our belief becomes or reality. And that “reality” can easily lead to criticism and the other charging 4 H.

So HOW Do the “Masters” Avoid Disasters?

The “Masters” DO engage in the 4 H sometime. The “Masters” DO sometimes have excessive expectations, feel like a victim, and confuse impact with intent. But they DON’T destroy their relationships. What’s their secret?

Are the “Masters” just nice, kind people? Are the “Disasters” just plain mean and nasty?

If so, then why do the “Disasters” begin their relationship as lovingly as the “Masters”? What changes? How are the “Masters” better able to “put the brakes” on the downward racing 4 H and reverse direction? What are the essential differences in how the two groups approach creating and sustaining relationships?

The “Masters” avoid disaster because they:

• handle conflict more effectively than the “Disasters”
• and have a very different perspective on their partners than the “Disasters”

The “Masters” Conflict Resolution Strategy:

First, they are aware of the dangers of the 4 H and they consciously avoid going there. “Oh! Oh! we’re on thin ice here. We’re starting to become abusive toward each other. Let’s be careful.”

Secondly, they begin the discussions of touchy subjects with “soft start ups”. They avoid harsh accusations and attacks, using instead tactful, more gentle ways of raising tough issues. Rather than “You NEVER come on time. You’re ALWAYS late” (a global criticism, condemnation), the “Masters” might say “Can we discuss the way I feel when you are once again late?”

Next, they try to be truly open to each other’s perspective. Rather than assuming that they and they alone have the whole truth and nothing but the truth, they realize that their partner also has some of the truth about the issue in dispute. “Yes, I can see that…..That make sense…”

They are aware that they can “put the brakes on” a disintegrating discussion not make things worse: “We’re both getting very, very upset and I don’t think we’re really hearing each other. Can we take a break and resume this discussion when we’re calmer?” They realize that Armageddon CAN be avoided and they have choices about where the discussion can go. BECAUSE they seek win-win resolutions not win-lose, total, absolute, unconditional surrender by their partner.

They also make effective “repair attempts”: “I’m sorry that was completely out of line for me to call you a …… I was wrong, you are not a…..”

Finally, they are able to engage in effective “self-soothing”. In other words, they know how to calm themselves and help their partner become calmer-a key to resolving painful issues. Rather than saying “CALM DOWN! You’re out of control” (a criticism), they might say “You seem to be very upset…..tell me what I just said that upset you….let’s discuss that.” Being flooded with some strong emotion (hurt, anger, fear) makes it almost impossible to hear each other, have empathy, flexibility, and an open mind. All essentials to an effective discussion of upsetting concerns.

Basically….

If such behavior is required to really resolve things, does that mean we have to become the Dalai Lama?

No! But it DOES mean that we have to fundamentally change our basic assumptions about each other. Basically, the “Masters” are more positive TOWARD each other in their daily interactions and during conflicts because they are more positive ABOUT each other.

The “Masters” give their partners the benefit of the doubt in all matters. They regard their partner as “innocent until proven guilty”. The Disasters” (the relationship we want to avoid, remember) see their partner as “guilty as charged…NO doubt about it.”

“WHAT???” you protest. “What if my partner IS guilty? What if my partner IS totally to blame for this problem? Am I supposed to deny this REALITY? That’s just nuts. I was willing to hear your ideas. Now you’ve just lost me!”

I AGREE that this sounds nuts. It sounds contrary to all experience and doesn’t seem to make any sense at all. And I’m sorry that I may have upset you.

Are you willing to look at some ideas that may truly transform your relationship for the better? Can we start over next time and explore the benefits and reality of seeing the best in your partner….and yourself?

Disagreements always welcome at:

Written by Tony Johnson is a retired university mental health center psychologist. He has lived, learned and enlarged his happiness in the Costa Ballena for over three years. He has the curiosity of a coati about all things life! These articles are his best shot at answering those “Life Questions”. Hopefully, you will find them informative and useful.

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Andrew Makarik

to@welovecostarica.com

Andrew Makarik is the main editor of WeLoveCostaRica, a fan of this sunny country. He is also a loving husband and a has a lovely daughter. By being a devoted family man and the biggest Costa Rica fan, he wants to make more people feel at home there. WeLoveCostaRica unites people and helps them find new home or a new travel destination. This website is a friendly community where everyone can find not only information, but also new friends and travel pals. Andrew is also passionate about IT and programming, so he himself maintains a friendly atmosphere in this cozy environment of WeLoveCostaRica.com.