What are feelings and how do I have more of the good ones?

Living in paradise is enormously harder than visiting here. There’s so much to learn and adapt to. Where’s the happiness in that difficult transition? We might find ourselves very frustrated and disappointed by our move. Not as joyful and fulfilled as we expected.

Happiness is what we feel when our life is thriving. It’s nature’s way of saying “You’re on the right track! Keep up the good work!!” Positive feelings are certainly a crucial part of feeling happy about our overall life. So important, that it’s hard to even imagine feeling happy when we’re frequently feeling bad.

But what are feelings? And is there some way to have more positive emotions while we create a new life in Costa Rica? The P.E.R.M.A. guidelines to happiness (see the last column) put “Positive feelings” first on the list of the sources of happiness. So let’s start by exploring nature of feelings.

Do we have any choice in what we feel? Don’t emotions just happen? Can we choose to feel good? Or bad?

Although we often experience feelings as caused by outside conditions, beyond our control, we do have a degree of influence over what we feel. That Influence grows in strength with our understanding of emotions and with practice managing them.

We can best grasp the nature of emotions by stepping back to the moment of our birth. We have decades, if not a lifetime of learning and adapting ahead of us. But we’re not born totally unprepared for life. We come with many “aps”, “programs” pre-installed to improve our chances of survival.

Imagine the doctors, nurses, and parents trying to teach a newborn to breathe!! “O.K. little baby. Take a DEEP breath…” How well would that work when the baby doesn’t understand words yet and needs to breathe immediately to live??

So some “skills” necessary for survival are “built in”: breathing, sneezing, sucking, swallowing, etc.Some basic emotions are also innate. Emotions enhance survival by “moving” us to act in certain universal situations. Fear alerts us to danger and moves us to protect ourselves. Anger empowers us to fight for our wellbeing. Joy rewards us for making the right choices.

It’s believed that the basic emotions are: Glad, Sad, Mad, Frightened, Surprised, and Disgusted. The hundreds of other emotions are all variations in intensity or combinations of these six basics. And each of the six “moves” us in a certain way. Each communicates an important survival message. Positive emotions tell us to “do more of that”. And negative ones say to “avoid that.”

FEAR the most basic, communicates that “you’re in danger, protect yourself.”

ANGER says, “take action to make this pain stop.”

SADNESS tells us, “you’ve suffered a loss, find a replacement.”

JOY/GLAD says, “life is worth the struggle, keep going.”

SURPRISE means,”there’s a lot to learn here, don’t get complacent.”

DISGUST says, “stay away.This will make you sick.”

Every emotion is a rough and ready pattern of responses to help us navigate through the bewildering experiences of life-reactions that we don’t have time to learn as infants. But we do gradually learn WHAT to respond to and HOW. So emotions CAN just happen. AND we can impact and direct them. We learn to be afraid of the neighbor’s dog and we can learn to not be afraid when fear is unnecessary.

Does that mean we must be totally rational? All Holmes and no Watson to respond effectively to life’s challenges?

No! We can be TOO emotional. Too frenzied to react effectively. AND we can be TOO RATIONAL, all thought and no feelings. Both extremes render us helpless. We need reason to decide what’s the most effective response.

Fury may be right response in one situation and a catastrophic over-reaction in another. Likewise we need the guidance of emotions when reason is inadequate for deciding. Imagine choosing a spouse without any feelings involved!! Our past experiences with people leave emotional lessons that can help us make big decisions.

Or imagine the awesome beauty of Costa Rica as an entirely intellectual exercise, no feelings. It’s like dinner without taste. Feelings are not just a pesky annoyance, best kept under reasons’ thumb. They’re essential to a rich and full life.

So how can we have more of the “good ones”?? Well, first they’re all good if they help us. Pain, for example, tells us something needs attention, something must be avoided, or treated. And if it moves us to make the necessary responses, it’s good even if it feels negative.

Better to ask, “how can we have more POSITIVE feelings”?

First, let’s explore why are you having so many negative emotions: sadness, loneliness, feeling overwhelmed, lost, confused, or angry, for example??

1. Are you truly facing continuous, negative, unsolvable experiences? Have you given up too soon to resolve them? Are you really sure that you have “tried everything”??

   We may encounter repeated problems and setbacks and conclude “there’s nothing to be done”.

   And sometimes that’s true. But sometimes we may have overlooked other solutions.

2. Are you facing catastrophic SITUATIONS or catastrophic THOUGHTS about situations? Losing a spouse is catastrophic. CR’s immigration service losing our file can be SEEN as catastrophic: “I’ll NEVER get residency. They’ll deport me. Everything I’ve invested here will be lost.” And on and on. Such thoughts can make a bad situation SEEM disastrous-when it CAN be fixed with a new approach, patience and persistence.
3. Are you inclined toward pessimism? We seem to be born to focus on the negative-that’s where the danger is! But some refuse to see the positive, proudly declaring “I WON’T get fooled again!!” But we can cause harm to ourselves by refusing to see the positive that’s actually there. Such pessimism reduces the “possibilities” of life, lowering our “horizon” about what CAN be. Not a very encouraging, happy outlook.
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4. Given that emotions are both innate reactions and a “library” of lessons learned, might the situations that bring you down remind you of the past? Does that cringe-inducing neighbor who’s always having a pity-party for herself remind you of someone from your past? Are you really at the mercy of her negativity like when you were a kid? Don’t you have options now that were absent in your past?
5. What are you feeling? (We’re not always clear about that.) And what are those feelings “saying” about your situation? Does your disgust and anger with your self-centered neighbor say “Here we go again! I’m going to be blamed for her problems,”?? AND…Are you really to blame? Will she really blame YOU? And IF she does, do you have to listen to her delusions?
6. Distract yourself from the FEELINGS of the problem. Ever feel really upset about some unsolved problem, watch a compelling movie, and afterward feel better even though the problem remains unchanged? And discover that in this new, calm state that you are a better problem solver? Denial is a mistake. But distraction can be an effective way toward a new approach in problem solving

Second, how can you have more positive emotions: joy, delight, surprise, playfulness, gratitude, etc??

1. Have you disconnected yourself from the Relationships and activities that make you feel good? Or have you left them behind in the “old country”, neglecting to replace them here?
2. Do you need an “encore career”? Some way to exercise your signature strengths? Some way to feel capable, Engaged, Accomplished. useful and needed again?
3. Do you minimize the value of the “small things”? “BFD…another toucan?” …Or “Wow! I never saw any bird that beautiful back in… It’s amazing how well it can fly with that banana on it’s face…” Are you grateful for what you have/experience? Do you find humor in life?
4. Do you feel that only the extreme positives count? “O.K.’s not good enough. I gotta feel ECSTATIC!! all the time. Or what was the point of moving here?”
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5. Do you seek out new experiences? Or do you play it safe and stick with the known and the familiar? Maybe the challenges of adjusting to life here will help you discover new strengths and sources of happiness? It’s all in how you see it. Is adjustment and odious burden? Or a chance for growth and beneficial change?
6. Is Meaning missing from your life? Might mentoring be a way to help restore purpose to your life by giving guidance to another life? There are a lot of kids here that need the wisdom of someone who has been a professional.

As you can see, the other P.E.R.M.A.s can add Positive Feelings to your life. While a “package” of them can bring you overall happiness.

You CAN impact your feelings. You can reduce the negatives and increase the positives…but it won’t “just happen.” You have to make it happen on a daily basis. None of these suggestions are a one-shot, cure-alls. Life has the “habit” of bringing us pain. To offset that pain, we must develop the “habits of happiness” and use them daily.

Next time: Engagement. The satisfactions of full involvement in some part of your life.

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If you have ever dreamed of living in a place that’s as close to a tropical paradise as you can find and would like to know more about real estate for sale in the Southern Zone of Costa Rica please contact our Recommended Costa Rica Realtors Daveed Hollander, John Wieland and James Drews by using the simple form below: