“Folks they said our lives together sure was gonna be rough…” B. Dylan

But when we began our relationship we believed that our love was rare, unique, special. Unlike others, we could weather the storms of life’s challenges. Not just surviving, but thriving.

Most intimate relationships start with such high expectations. We all look forward to great rewards from our partner and life together: jointly solving life’s relentless problems, sharing burdens and joys, enjoying deep friendship and intimacy, all because of what we give to each other- undying love.

And beyond the practical, we dream together, imagining a better life than we could ever have had alone or with some other person. Our dreams are both individual and shared. One may want advanced education, a fulfilling job and financial security.

The other may want a great house, a safe neighborhood, and a beautiful garden. And both may want a family life free of the problems we faced in our childhoods. Together we would make our dreams come true.

As the relationship matures, and dreams are realized, new ones may emerge. Like eventually living in a place most see only on vacation; somewhere free of the dreary weather and the geography of “home”. Everyone imagines such a move at some point, but few actually commit to it. And, among those who do, some underestimate the struggle and costs of such a drastic change.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This….

A vacation in Costa Rica felt like that John Denver line: “Coming home to a place they’d never been before.” That experience was enhanced by a chance encounter with a generous, absentee hotel owner, leading to an afternoon on his idyllic 360 degree, private hilltop view. One day either way and they would have missed him and his gift of indescribable beauty. But because of that chance encounter, the fantasy of living in Costa Rica became a sacred promise to each other.

They had largely fulfilled their early dreams and now they aimed for the ultimate. So, for years after that hilltop afternoon, all their vacations were explorations of the Costa Rican coasts during which they adventurously allowed themselves to get lost and see what they could discover. Some of their best experiences came while “lost”. As they planned and carried out their move, the dream came closer to reality. Then, they were finally here.

Realizing that dream can bring some couples closer together, making them more solidly and satisfyingly connected. They may not have worked so well, so joyfully together for years. Their dream of life in “paradise” was as good as they’d imagined.

For others, the exciting expectations may end when the realities, the stresses, the frustrations, the necessary adaptations and disappointments of daily life in “paradise” push them apart. And that’s likely to happen when the partners take their frustrations out on each other rather than work together to overcome the problems they encounter. Then the dream can actually become a nightmare for the relationship.

The relocation didn’t start with frustrations, recrimination, resentments, or arguments. It was actually one of the best periods of their partnership. It brought the pair closer together as they dreamed, planned, and worked to achieve the move.

It brought a new excitement and purpose to their lives that had been become dormant in recent years. They became closer and more fond of each other as they joined in their dream and shared hopes. They were living out a promise made to each other to someday live in a paradise like they had encountered on their first vacation. It was to be the fulfillment of their mutual commitment.

They were once again energized and alive and in love. Both thought, “I chose the best possible life partner.”

The relocation didn’t start with frustrations, recrimination, resentments, or arguments. It was actually one of the best periods of their partnership. It brought the pair closer together as they dreamed, planned, and worked to achieve the move.

It brought a new excitement and purpose to their lives that had been become dormant in recent years. They became closer and more fond of each other as they joined in their dream and shared hopes. They were living out a promise made to each other to someday live in a paradise like they had encountered on their first vacation. It was to be the fulfillment of their mutual commitment.

They were once again energized and alive and in love. Both thought, “I chose the best possible life partner.”

Moving To Paradise? Remember to Pack Plenty of Patience

There are many reasons why life here can be difficult and I don’t need to recount the horror stories we’ve all heard. The day-to-day struggles are enough to make the point. As a wise man, writing in these very pages said, “Most modern Americans, unlike many of their European ancestors, are not capable of giving up ALL that is familiar and comfortable to try something unknown – particularly if it impacts nearly EVERY facet of their lives.” (Allen Dickinson, El Residente, Jan-Feb.2010. Emphasis mine.)

Giving up ALL direct contact, or any contact with the familiar, the comfortable, the loved, is a big price to pay. It can be the thing that gradually causes one or the other of the couple to feel they have “had enough” and explode with frustration, disappointment, and fury.

Is Paradise the Problem? Or the Partnership?

How did things get so bad? How did they go from a peak companionship to the depths of unhappiness? What caused the screaming, blaming, put-downs, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling? Paradise certainly made its contributions with its difficulties and problems. But coming here made them so happy. What went so very wrong? Did they bring problems with them?

Some possibilities:

-The Dream Died. Before the move they could tolerate difficulties because they anticipated being eventually rewarded by the new life. During that time they worked well together and suppressed their frustrations with each other. But, once the dream had been realized, once the fantasy had become reality, they found that the determination to solve one more problem, face one more setback, cope with yet another mind-boggling hurdle, was behind them. They were no longer anticipating the “pot of gold at the end of the rainbow”. Now, facing the inescapable realities of living in paradise-of life anywhere, they were no longer able to set aside their personal frustrations anticipating a payoff ahead.

-So, They Take It Out On Each Other. Rather than working together to solve problems, like they did during the move, they began to treat each OTHER as the problem. This only piles relationship difficulties on top of multiple adjustment demands. Working against each other, they weaken their bond and begin wondering “what am I doing here with this person?”.

-They May Really Be Upset With Themselves. They may be feeling, “How could I be so stupid? What was I thinking? I was a total idiot to imagine that this could work”, unable to accept their mistakes, they shift the blame to their partner. “You’re the one who was ‘stupid’. I just went along. I knew this would never work.” While this doesn’t solve the practical problems, making one’s partner the scapegoat takes some heat off of one’s self.

-We Focus So Much On The Negative That We Fail To See The Positive. If we see Costa Rica and our partner in a totally negative light, we multiply the problems, making them seem insurmountable, much, much worse than they actually are. Consequently, we end up feeling helpless and hopeless. There’s no “good” to offset the “bad”. No reason to keep trying. Furthermore, we fail to see the OPPORTUNITY in this dreary situation.

WHAT Opportunity?

The opportunity to repair, restore, rejuvenate the relationship-by solving past problems.

Reaching out to each other in the moment of greatest unhappiness with each other can have a profoundly transformative impact on a partnership.

The intensity of the arguments, the ugliness of the conflict SUGGESTS that there’s more going on here than just fights over relocation problems. The great pain and anger both partners are feeling HINT at the hidden presence of some old, unresolved relationship issues. Hence the opportunity to restore and improve the relationship by finally addressing those issues.

Do the fights over life in CR feel familiar? Do they have a “been there, done that before” quality? Then there’s a good possibility that this is a repeat of old, unresolved issues. Were there some issues you agreed to avoid in the past because of their intractable quality? They may have re-emerged now and now may be the time to finally solve them.

Hence the opportunity.

Effectively addressing the relocation dispute could not only restore the dream, but also rescue and revive the relationship by resolving a long standing dispute.

What sort of conflict could be the “back story” of the current CR fights? For our purposes, we’ll imagine the couple were both fully in agreement about the move to CR. No one was forced into the relocation. But their “devil” was in the details of that agreement.

For example, one retired early to accommodate a partner’s desire to move as soon as possible. Adding career costs to the move. Maybe the other compromised on the exact location of the new home-giving up a desire to live in a remote spot rather than a city.

But those compromises may seem to be problems entirely of the present, free of past skeletons in closets. Until we look more closely! Early retirement may feel like yet another unappreciated sacrifice-an issue the couple fought about for many years. Life in the city rather than the country may be yet one more instance of “you always get your way”-another issue with a deep, painful history.

But if we have avoided these issues for years because of the risk involved, how do we avoid those risks now-indeed, how do we make it a DISCUSSION and not a fight, and optimize the opportunity?

Think of what YOU most need FROM your partner in such a moment and give that TO THEM! Make deep understanding, empathy, and acceptance of your partner your priority-not winning the fight. Give them what you need.

That gift to them is a tremendous opportunity to not only resolve the relocation conflicts and restore the dream, but also to work together once again. But this time not on a move to paradise, but to deepen and strengthen the relationship-to bring the relationship to the level always sought.

Effectively addressing the relocation dispute could not only restore the dream, but also rescue and revive the relationship by resolving long standing disputes.

“HOW can I do that when it’s ME that my partner is furious with?” you ask. “HOW can I listen with understanding, empathy, and acceptance when it’s ME my partner will attack blame, criticize, and condemn? I’d have to be some sort of saint to take such abuse and not attack back.”

Yes, it’s very, very difficult but not impossible when the relationship is your main concern.

There are some things, some actions (or non-actions) that can help: Don’t interrupt. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t go on the counterattack. Listen to learn so that you better understand your partner’s feelings and what recent events mean to them.

We all believe that if our partner’s life was in danger, we’d bear any burden, pay any price, take any risk, make any sacrifice, to ensure their well-being. Well, it’s time to step up in that way because their “heart” is in danger. Now is the time to set our ego aside for the greater good of both.

We have here the opportunity to raise our relationship to “rare” status by making their feelings our first priority. We have the opportunity to SHOW them how much they mean to us.

Written by Tony Johnson is a retired university mental health center psychologist. He has lived, learned and enlarged his happiness in the Costa Ballena for over three years. He has the curiosity of a coati about all things life! These articles are his best shot at answering those “Life Questions”. Hopefully, you will find them informative and useful.

If you have ever dreamed of living in a place that’s as close to a tropical paradise as you can find … Please contact our Recommended Costa Rica Realtors Daveed Hollander, John Wieland and James Drews in Dominical in the Southern Pacific area, by using the simple form below:

Andrew Makarik

to@welovecostarica.com

Andrew Makarik is the main editor of WeLoveCostaRica, a fan of this sunny country. He is also a loving husband and a has a lovely daughter. By being a devoted family man and the biggest Costa Rica fan, he wants to make more people feel at home there. WeLoveCostaRica unites people and helps them find new home or a new travel destination. This website is a friendly community where everyone can find not only information, but also new friends and travel pals. Andrew is also passionate about IT and programming, so he himself maintains a friendly atmosphere in this cozy environment of WeLoveCostaRica.com.