What could two movie stars possibly have to fight about? Depp’s fortune is reportedly between three and four HUNDRED MILLION dollars. And his estranged wife, Amber Heard, has anywhere from four to nine million dollars of her own.

They never have to worry about money. They never anguish over which bill to pay and which will incur a late penalty. They never have to compromise on purchases, leaving one or both unhappy. They can both buy any car, TV,, take any vacation, no sacrifices necessary. Everyone’s happy.

By any standard, their lives should be blissful, right?

Those of us who do routinely worry and argue about finances – that’s almost everyone else – tend to assume that money solves most, if not all, problems. But the Depps’ marital difficulties remind us that there are certain “laws of relationships” that no one escapes. Everyone, regardless of wealth, judges the quality of their connection by the way they are treated.

We chose our partners, and they us, based on who they are and the consideration we show each other. How we treat each other during the early stages of our connection creates expectations for the rest of our lives together. Expectations that are rarely met. But they must always be attempted because the quality of our mutual interaction weaves its way through practically everything we do with our partners. Especially our arguments.

We all can afford the necessary loving treatment and we cannot possibly afford to be without it.

“Amber Heard Claims Domestic Abuse, Seeks Restraining Order.”

As the problems between Mr. and Mrs. Depp unfolded in the press, it seemed their disagreements had gone way beyond financial matters. Even though both are rich, famous, sexy, high achievers in their profession, in demand for more movie roles, and they’ve attained the very life status that we imagine brings bountiful happiness, something was very, very wrong.

What exactly, we’ll never know, but clearly heard did not feel well treated. And Depp may have his own disappointments about how she related to him.

Sadly, their lives are played out on the covers of magazines and as the lead story on celebrity “news” shows. The same media outlets that celebrate their lives are a double edged sword – one day lauding them, the next “dishing dirt”. All this turning their personal pain into public shame.

None of us envy them now. Perhaps their pain is a reminder to us, compelling us to reflect on what matters most: how we treat each other.

“Can’t Buy Me Love”

Admittedly, money does make a difference, but only up to a point. The research is mixed but, apparently, after a point, money doesn’t seem to make much of a difference in our overall happiness. Moving up from a lower income to about $70K does make us happier; we have more security, less worries, and more comfort. Beyond $70K, however, doesn’t significantly increase overall happiness.

Then there’s research that indicates that money can make us happier IF we spend it well. But, in the end, it seems that purchasing items like consumer goods produces less happiness than purchasing experiences: vacations, concerts, yoga lessons, etc. And using it to do good for others definitely increases their happiness and ours.

The way we treat each other, however, never fails to make a difference. It ALWAYS matters. The Beatles, who had enormous fortunes, said it best, “Money can’t buy me love.” No amount can buy is the emotional qualities and positive habits essential for happy relationships.

Our daily interactions create the foundation of lifelong love or misery. And our biggest test comes during our arguments.

Some Fundamentals of Conflict Resolution

It helps to see that conflicts often occur simultaneously on many levels. The history of our interactions is always present and active somehow.

• The Upper/Conscious Level – the current issue in dispute.

The Lower/Unconscious Levels – are comprised of several components:

• our past history of other arguments about this same issue and the unspoken fights about those fights.
• our past history of all arguments throughout our relationship.
• our past history of how each partner feels treated overall by their partner.

This is why conflicts – especially conflicts that focus on “the facts, just the facts” – may be hard to resolve. Simply addressing the uppermost layer, the current conflict, may be insufficient to resolve the underlying conflicts that are unconsciously “shadowing” the present dispute. Consequently, we may tear our hair out when we seem to be offering our partner exactly what they demand, yet they reject our offer.

That’s because a resolution that indeed solves the present matter may neglect the persistent, unspoken, underlying emotional history involved. Often we’re unaware of the active influence of the past in our present dispute. Such historical issues are unlikely to be resolved if they remain in the unconscious, beyond the influence of conscious reasoning and discussion.

Conflict may also be insoluble if we are both operating in different, unacknowledged historical layers. I may be fighting about the conscious, present issue AND unconsciously about our past with that same issue. My partner may be fighting about the present AND unconsciously about the deepest layer – how they feel treated by me throughout our relationship.

As a result, we both end up in total frustration because neither of us feels heard – and neither of us may even know what we are actually saying because we’re speaking from our unconscious.

Effective conflict resolution can take a great deal of time, patience, and “reading between the lines.”

It’s Not Hopeless, We’re Not Helpless

We CAN access those unconscious elements present in our current conflicts. One of us might try saying, “We’re fighting about this month’s bills, but I can’t help but think that we’re also talking about something more. Something deeper. Does that make any sense to you?”

Or, “You haven’t said this, but might we also be discussing how I behaved the last time we had this same argument?”

Such questions might bring the shadow issue from the edge of our partner’s awareness into the spotlight of their attention, and, give them the “O.K.” to raise that issue at this time.

This is why, if we “play our cards right”, every conflict involves some degree of opportunity to both resolve a current issue AND finally address an old, unresolved matter – improving our relationship in the process.

Another way to get deeper into the buried past injuries is to ask, “Does this feel familiar? Have we felt these emotions before in our life together? You seem hurt now. Are we also discussing some past hurt that we need to address now?”

Let us return to the last article’s example of an argument to further clarify the point.

Recall one partner asking: “Can’t you even stay within our budget? What’s wrong with you?”

The other replied: “What’s wrong with YOU? Can’t you even see this business is failing?”

This may seem just an argument about money played out in questions. But “listen carefully”, can you hear the hidden attacks?

“Can’t you stay within our budget?” is a straightforward question. “Can’t you EVEN….? is a sharp, scornful, attack on one’s competence, and on a central aspect of one’s worth, one’s intelligence. That’s an attack that’s very likely to leave deep, lasting painful wounds. And sour the relationship.

When one’s competence, one’s intelligence, is trashed, we’re almost certain to become defensive-by going on the attack ourselves. “What’s wrong with YOU? Can’t you EVEN….?”

Payback may feel sweet, but at what cost to the relationship?

“I Don’t Care Too Much for Money…”

We see here that money can’t buy a different pattern of interactions, a different relationship history. Despite Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s fame and fortune, they’re still human. They’re still vulnerable to each other’s mistreatment.

And that mistreatment overshadows any amount of money.

So here’s the opportunity for you to have something that Mr. and Mrs. Deep seem to lack. Something that marital researcher, John Gottman, calls a “Master’s Marriage” relationship.

It’s not available for purchase anywhere (although coaching, and hopefully this article, may help). It’s something that can only be learned, applied, lived. And I’ll wager that some version of it was part of your original relationship dream.

The “Marriage Disasters”, on the other hand, are very likely headed to the divorce court. Why?

Because they LOOK for flaws and weaknesses in each other to criticize, leaving them both on high alert, distressed, and defensive around each other.

Furthermore, they criticize in the most toxic, most destructive way: with contempt. They treat each other as inferior, deserving of scorn, disgust, while they regard themselves as superior to their mate. How long would love last – if any is even left – under that poisonous, emotional cloud? And their arguments are “no hold barred”, “drop the bomb”, “apocalypse now” catastrophes. There’s no concern about future the impact on the relationship. It’s “winner take all”.

The “Masters”, in comparison, try to treat each other with kindness and generosity – even during arguments. They’re human and not perfect and, occasionally, they may mistreat each other. But they quickly, sincerely apologize and try to repair the damage. As a result, they feel at ease, loving around each other because they are exquisitely sensitive to the impact they have on each other.

Sadly, Johnny and Amber probably didn’t have enough of that. Money can’t buy everything. You, however, can create that “Marriage Masters” connection.

Next Time:

Further steps in the resolution process and the critical role of emotions.

Written by Tony Johnson is a retired university mental health center psychologist. He has lived, learned and enlarged his happiness in the Costa Ballena for over three years. He has the curiosity of a coati about all things life! These articles are his best shot at answering those “Life Questions”. Hopefully, you will find them informative and useful.

Your Comments Are ALWAYS Welcome.

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Andrew Makarik

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Andrew Makarik is the main editor of WeLoveCostaRica, a fan of this sunny country. He is also a loving husband and a has a lovely daughter. By being a devoted family man and the biggest Costa Rica fan, he wants to make more people feel at home there. WeLoveCostaRica unites people and helps them find new home or a new travel destination. This website is a friendly community where everyone can find not only information, but also new friends and travel pals. Andrew is also passionate about IT and programming, so he himself maintains a friendly atmosphere in this cozy environment of WeLoveCostaRica.com.