Jack and Diane had a great marriage. They enjoyed being with each other, most of the time. They agreed and worked well together on most of life’s big issues and challenges. And, they often felt deep love for each other, especially after some shared kindness.

Then they moved to Costa Rica.

It was as beautiful and exciting as it was during their many vacations. Using much of their life savings, they purchased some property with a great view and built a small house and a tourist cabina, with the expectation that tourists would be eager to share their small piece of paradise and provide them with income.

But paradise produced its own set of problems. The heat, humidity, and living with the rain for months on end was more difficult than they had expected. Also, since some bills aren’t automatically or routinely sent, they were sometimes were overlooked and went unpaid, which resulted in the occasional cancellation of services.

And getting things fixed was a problem in itself. Why did repairmen almost never show up when promised? But, compared to successfully negotiating the Costa Rican bureaucracy, having repairs made was a piece of one’s favorite cake. Added to that was their idyllic vacation spot received less tourist traffic that they had anticipated.

All these stress caused arguments about, “What are we doing here? “Who dropped the ball?” and “Who failed to do their job?” preparing for the move and their financial future.

But Jack and Diane added their own set of problems to the ones brought to them by life in Costa Rica.

Arguments about current events began to occur, which resulted in feelings of hurt, disrespect, neglect, and the absence of acknowledgment and appreciation. In the background of these arguments, a pattern developed; a repeated theme of some unresolved issue, some unhealed injury, some sense of disillusionment, and disappointment with the relationship and themselves.

Paradise or the Partnership?

Our shared dreams attract us to each other and bind us together. Someone who wants to be a rock star is unlikely to be attracted to a person who wants an accounting tax practice, and vise versa. (The accountant may be too cool for rock school!) But two people who want to start their own business and be their own boss, to leave something for the family, are likely to be attracted and connected by those aspirations. But, sometimes the partial achievement of the dream leads to conflict about the “more” both were expecting.

It’s hard to imagine any good coming from an ugly conflict with our partner. How could screaming, put downs, verbal and even physical abuse have a good side? It is even harder to imagine that our shared dream is behind some of our worst fights. But, if we look carefully, we may see the failed dream playing a role in our relationship nightmares; a failure in the IDEAL RELATIONSHIP aspect of the dream.

For many, the ultimate reward for a life of hard work and sacrifice is a “second life” of adventure, beauty, close companionship, deep dialogue, and fulfilling experiences. Notice the RELATIONSHIP aspects of a dream life in paradise; it is not just where we live, more importantly it’s how we live and how we treat each other.

As many have discovered, the realities of living the fantasy can put an enormous strain on a couple’s connection. When things aren’t going as they had been planned, when unexpected problems and disappointments occur, we often look for someone to blame.

Often our rationale is, “it couldn’t be me, after all how could I know what I didn’t know?” So we assume that the failure to prepare for ………….. must be ‘their’ fault; someone else must have dropped their end of this deal. I am doing everything I can to make this work!

Money Problems = Relationship Problems.

Disagreements over money are typical in relationships, but they often reflect deeper relationship issues.

“Can’t you even stay within our budget? What’s wrong with you? How many times do I have to tell you that we are on thin ice here? We don’t have an extra Colone to spare.”

“What’s wrong with YOU? Can’t you even see why this business is failing? We have to spend money to make money. No one will want to rent our cabina if it is not fixed up nice.”

On the surface this may seem to be solely a serious and crucial discussion about money and making the rental business a success. But underneath, even absent overt name calling and shouting, both are likely to feel attacked, put down, scorned by the other.

How can that be? After all, both are asking questions, not making overt negative attacks.

Did you notice a few keywords, a few daggers to the heart: “even”, “wrong”, and “you”?

“Can’t you even…?” Remove the “even” from that question and notice the huge change in tone. “Can’t you stay within our budget?” (A legitimate question to a couple facing a money squeeze.) Then replace the “even” and it becomes obvious that that question accuses our partner of incompetence; the inability to do something as simple as keeping a budget; it becomes an attack on our partner’s abilities and intelligence. And any attack, even covert, will provoke defensiveness and counterattacks.

The words “wrong with you” goes even deeper and is more painful. They say there is something wrong with us, they indicate we are broken, damaged, screwed up; that at our core we are defective. Are you beginning to see how that a money conversation, as necessary as it may be, could be indicative of deeper relationship issues?

Now add the final provocative word “you.” It is a word which reinforces the attacks made by “even” and “wrong.” In effect it is saying that “you are the problem”. We’re not just having disagreements about money. The underlying message has become about who we think our partner really is — and it is negative.

All Arguments Involve Risk AND Opportunity

Risks:

Our style of fighting can damage the relationship in ways that are more than just short term hurt feelings. If financial fights were frequent in our pre-Costa Rica days, it’s predictable that they will occur here too. But even if our money problems are solved, the continuing fallout from those previous fights may need to be addressed because the old wounds haven’t healed.

If those problems do persist, we will have to do even more to undo the damage that our WAY of fighting has created, if we want to work cooperatively and to really solve our conflicts. If we don’t work to heal the pain, the damage is done. Worse, not addressing it could eventually destroy the relationship.

Opportunity:

Even when one or both persons feel wounded by how they are seen and treated by their partner during the money battles, there is the opportunity to resolve those injuries AND improve the relationship.

If, in one or more of those prior fights, one or both were questioning the competence, intelligence, and character of their partner, those jabs at the core of the partner are unlikely to be easily forgotten. Therefore, it can be profoundly positive to restore or create the ideal relationship aspects of the team by addressing them.

Optimizing the Opportunity to Heal and DEEPEN Our Relationship

Aren’t we just “entering a mine-field” by addressing such hurts? Shouldn’t we just let “sleeping dogs lie”. After all, we’ve covertly agreed to avoid those hurts – to pretend they didn’t happen or don’t really matter. Why be a “bull in a china shop” and stir up old pains?

The intensity of a current money battles is a strong indicator that those injuries ARE alive in the current relationship. Peoples worries, fears even, about having enough money to make their life work in Costa Rica, can be very real.

Most of us who moved to this country gave up some career, some reliable source of income for the greater good of a better life. Those fears can be clearly seen in our example; BOTH fear the other’s spending habits, the other’s financial philosophy, and are worried that they will “sink this ship”.

So, it is HOW we have that fight that is as important to the relationship as what we fight about. If our conflict pattern is to “go for the jugular”, then those old hurts aren’t “old” . . . they are very much alive and toxic in the present.

The HOW of Rebuilding After the Damage

So what can be done to rebuild both the foundation of the dream the partners shared, and the relationship, even the dream life itself?

Start with the common ground. In our example, the couple is BOTH worried about finances and their future economic security. They furiously disagree about the exact nature of the problem and the solution, but they’re on the same page with how they FEEL about the problem; they are scared.

That agreement is the best place to begin healing the damage and restoring the life they planned.

Try to train yourself to look beyond the surface; to understand the underlying feelings your partner has, and deal with those first. For, example, if you were in this exact same conflict, how would it feel if, rather than attacking and blaming you, your partner said:

“We’re both scared. We both worry about not having enough money to keep our life going. We both worry about the money running out. We’ve been disagreeing about how to best solve our money worries, but we can agree on something else: we are both scared. Can we start there to have a helpful discussion of where we’re at, where we want to be, and how to get there?”

My guess is such a “soft startup” approach would be a huge relief and begin to calm both partner’s angry and hurt feelings.

Next time: Where to go next.

Written by Tony Johnson is a retired university mental health center psychologist. He has lived, learned and enlarged his happiness in the Costa Ballena for over three years. He has the curiosity of a coati about all things life! These articles are his best shot at answering those “Life Questions”. Hopefully, you will find them informative and useful.

If you have ever dreamed of living in a place that’s as close to a tropical paradise as you can find … Please contact our Recommended Costa Rica Realtors Daveed Hollander, John Wieland and James Drews in Dominical in the Southern Pacific area, by using the simple form below:

Andrew Makarik

to@welovecostarica.com

Andrew Makarik is the main editor of WeLoveCostaRica, a fan of this sunny country. He is also a loving husband and a has a lovely daughter. By being a devoted family man and the biggest Costa Rica fan, he wants to make more people feel at home there. WeLoveCostaRica unites people and helps them find new home or a new travel destination. This website is a friendly community where everyone can find not only information, but also new friends and travel pals. Andrew is also passionate about IT and programming, so he himself maintains a friendly atmosphere in this cozy environment of WeLoveCostaRica.com.